Julia Macmonagle

Big butt

2011-09-17T08:37:00.000-06:00

Michael to Eva in the middle of trying a pushup, butt up: You have a big butt!

Eva: Hey! Moooooom!

Me: Michael, that's not nice to say (although I knew it wasn't meant in a mean way)--tell her she has a nice butt ;-)

Michael: You have a nice big butt Eva!

Heehee, I look over at Brad who's face is screwed up into a silent laugh. Love kids.

Getting excited about Halloween!

2011-09-13T16:28:00.000-06:00

We have a neighbor friend who just turned 4 who thinks Eva hung the moon. She follows her around when we're outside. She and her dad brought Eva a gift yesterday--a fairy costume! She's decided that she will be a fairy for Halloween (and her Feb birthday theme will be fairies as of yesterday):

When Michael saw this outfit he decided HE had to be a boy fairy! Ok, so I'm thinking Peter Pan with wings...I show him what that looks like and he was all, "No way." I told him we would go to Target to see what we could find. Today we headed off to Target and this is what HE decided on:

Notice the light saber- that's what he chose first.
And then the Darth Vader costume.
And then the purple fairy wings.

Love it ;-)

Love the tiny toes peeking out from the bottom too.

He's already informed me that he wants a dragon to be a part of his costume too. Wondering if I'll be taking the Vader cape and altering it with painted fire before Halloween...

And this is what he looked like when he found out he can't wear it until Halloween:

Can he stick his lip out any further? So so sad!

CRAFT: Batik Art Aprons

2011-08-28T22:27:00.000-06:00

The final product--cool huh?

Ooooooo! This was fun, fun, fun for me and the kids loved it too! You can go to Pink and Green Mama's site to check out the details. Basically you use the glue as a resist. You draw your design in Elmer's Gel Glue. Michael asked me to draw rockets and planets and Eva asked for characters from a book. I drew with the glue on Michael's apron, he told me where he wanted everything. With Eva I sketched out the characters in pencil and she did 90% of the glue tracing. (Make sure you use a piece of foam core under this, the glue will seep through as will the watered down paint--the foam core soaks it up and also makes it easier to move it around)

Once the glue is dry (about 24 hours) it's time to paint! Michael did his a few days ago during one of our homeschooling days. We got to talk a lot about mixing colors and what would happen if you mixed this and that. (Eva painted hers this evening, I'll post when it's finished!) I mixed craft paint and water about 60% paint and 40% water in those wonderful Melissa and Doug no spill paint cups--love those things! Michael did a great job painting all kinds of colors--he did 99% of the paint, I filled in 5 or 6 little spots that hadn't been painted at the end. The amazing thing was that he was focused, involved, and excited for the hour it took him to paint the apron! Wow!

He loved it!

I put the apron outside to dry in the sun for the afternoon while we went out to play.

Next: fill your sink with hot water and let the apron soak for 15 min or so to soften the glue. Using an old toothbrush (or your hubby's if you're mad at him-hehe) scrub off the glue tracings in the hot water. Any paint that ended up on top of the glue comes right off and you are left with the white apron underneath (I used rubber dish gloves so I didn't burn my hands). Not all the glue will come off, the part that had soaked through the apron will still be there. Throw it in the washer and wash it on cold (probably whatever temp you'd like would work). I dried it with some old towels I didn't care about so it would fluff around the dryer.

Michael says he can wear it doing art or cooking! He's quite proud of himself! :-)

Lots of fun applications for this. Before I did the aprons with the kids I painted a pillow for Michael (below) to see how it worked. I looked around my art studio and found that I had some plain decorative pillow cases with a zipper so you could stuff a pre-made pillow into it. It was off white and 18x18 and a 20x20 pillow fit in perfectly. After I got it washed and dried I realized a few mistakes--shouldn't have put a small planet so close to his name, now it looks like his name is Michaelo haha. And I totally forgot to add the dark blue background to the left side of Saturn's rings. Oh well!

I'm making Eva one too. She asked for a regular pillowcase and again, characters from a favorite book. I'll post when I'm finished with it.

Some of the paint fades a bit with the washing but it kind of adds to the batik look--I like it. After the paint dries you might be thinking, "OMG! It's so stiff! But it softens up with washing and drying.

Give it a try, it's fun and easy!


Just out of the dryer.

And here it is stuffed!

I'm writing about makeup...really? Blinc Mascara!

2011-08-28T21:23:00.000-06:00

I haven't consistently worn makeup in years--like 14 years. I've tried all the various drugstore brands but they all get a great big FAIL. Why bother when it doesn't stay on? The oils on my face takes the supposed bombproof waterproof mascara right off and deposits it under my eyes. In just a few hours I look like a raccoon. Eye shadow color is a faint grey with the majority of it in the crease of my eyelid. Concealer looks like I've taken a flesh colored crayon and drawn it into my circles--it's never the right color. The list goes on.

The other night I went online and searched around. I found something that lots of people were raving about called Blinc Mascara. They carry it at the Sephora in Boulder. I went there yesterday and bought it along with a bunch of other stuff I was talked into ;-) I was an easy sell. Just passed my 42nd birthday and showing it. The girl put some of the stuff on my to prove the colors were right and the rest I tried this morning.

Out of the shower, moisturizer and this amazing stuff: Dr. Brandt Dark Circles Away. Seriously? Where have I been? It takes the puffy under eye crap and greatly reduces it. It's a miracle! Morning and night. Laura noticed. Even BRAD noticed! Supposedly the circles go away over time. In the mean time:

Concealer for circles--make the Sephora girls find the color for you. My complexion has never been Peaches and Cream. It's Strawberries and Skim Milk. I needed help finding something to match THAT.

Clinique (some sort of redness reducing neutralizer type base)---put on with a brush, didn't look like I was wearing makeup--perfect. Toned down the super pink cheeks--bonus.

Can I talk about brushes? Why didn't anyone ever mention makeup brushes and how amazing they are? I've always had and issue with those annoying sponges, for base, for eye shadow, etc. But now? It all just glides on, looks great. WTH? Where have these been? Google "caring for makeup brushes", you need to wash them now and then. I bought one from Sephora for the base and then went to Michael's Craft Store and got some natural bristle brushes for eye shadow--much cheaper.

Eye shadow base was next. Again WTH? Where have I been? Put it on with a brush, put on your eye shadow and OH. MY. GOD the shadow stays on. It doesn't move, it doesn't fade and it doesn't crease.

Probably the most amazing stuff was the Blinc Mascara. It...NO SHIT...didn't come off. I wore it for 12 hours. I got hot out walking, I...are you ready? I took a nap! For an hour! Nothing moved. It was a miracle I tell you! Taking it off was just as they said on the website, put a warm wet washcloth on your eyes for maybe 15-30 seconds and then wipe it off. Looks like spider legs on the washcloth, kind of funny. It doesn't smear even when you take it off.

I even bought lipstick and lip liner. The liner (lined and filled in lips) stayed on for about 5 hours.

Who knew?

RAD-Love

2011-08-18T13:52:00.000-06:00

You know RAD is lessening it's death grip on your kid and things are looking up when...

you comb out your child's hair and they say, "Ow." occasionally but don't have a melt down.

you shop for school clothes and can't wait to show them to her.

you ask her to go take a shower and she says, "Ok!" (instead of melting down)

you go on a spa weekend with friends and she says, honestly, "Have fun Mommy!"

you start looking forward to spending time with her.

when she falls down and skins a knee and comes running to YOU not another mother.

when you see another child hit her and your heart clenches. You wait to see if she's going to freak out and go after that kid, stand by herself crying or...look up and look for you. When you call her she comes running. You actually want to cuddle her.

you can take both kids to the store and not come out nearly in tears.

the thought, "THIS is what I thought motherhood would be!" runs through your head several times a day.

your RAD kid and your non-RAD kid get along more often.

your RAD kid tells you she likes to be happy! She used to say she liked being angry--she wasn't kidding.

you say, "Goodnight, I love you Eva." and she actually responds back with, "I love you too!"

you cry on your way home after dropping her at first grade.

I walked her to her line this morning. We stood around and waited for her teacher to arrive. I kept up a fairly constant patter about how cool this was, wondering what she was going to learn, who her friends were going to be, telling her about stuff I did in first grade, etc all the while I was watching her emotions play across her face: fear (silent), worry (silent), excitement (a little chatty), and full on panic with orphanage eyes (silent, looking forward at nothing, eyes up-lots of white under, mouth open, expressionless). Those four emotions pretty much looped the entire 15-20 minutes I was waiting with her. It broke my heart for her when I saw the orphanage eyes. That's her OMG-I'm-going-to-get-left-here-and-die look. I explained to her repeatedly and in various ways, "I'll be back at 3pm to get you. You'll come home and we'll go outside to play, then a shower, homework, dinner, bed." trying to give her the schedule she so needs when she's stressed. I found out that they were going to have PE first and told her about that so she'd know SOMETHING about her day. Nothing helped but I tried :-)

This was taken while we were still home and she was excited!

This summer has been incredible. Eva and I are really starting to click. She's letting go of quite a bit of her RAD behaviors which means I can be less strict with her. We laugh more. We're silly more. Michael is FLOURISHING. I think the constant melt downs and drama stunted him a bit but he's bouncing back and is absolutely amazing us with his ability to soak up everything we say, teach, show him. It's so cool.

Eva and Michael are getting along much more than they used to. When Eva takes a bath Michael can often be found sitting on a stool next to the tub and the two of them are talking and laughing. The first time I saw that I had to hold back tears.

A big bonding moment happened about a week and a half ago. Michael, Eva, and I went to the lake. We were splashing around in the shallows and then I decided to be brave (and not hover) and sit on the beach (I was about 10 feet from the water's edge and the kids were about knee to waist deep. Michael came up to have me put on his goggles. I was putting them over his head, looking up to keep an eye on Eva, adjusting the goggles, watching Eva, goggles on his face, watching Eva, last adjustment, looking up for Eva who was...bobbing up and down. Just far enough out she couldn't touch. Sinking, bouncing off the bottom, coming up for air, sinking, bouncing off, coming up for air. I saw what was happening, leapt up, raced to the water, ran until I was up to my knees (just then I heard the lifeguard behind me yell, "I've got her!"), dove in and swam like I've never swum before. 6 big strokes and I was there grabbing her. She coughed and half threw up over my shoulder and then clung to me gasping and kind of groaning. I could touch. I turn around and yell for Michael to stay where he was (at the edge of the water). I started slowly walking back, hugging her to me hard. God. My heart was pounding. I asked her what happened and she said she was trying to get her floaty ring and it kept going just out of her reach. I told her next time to just come tell me and I would get it for her, I knew how to swim, I could swim across the lake if I needed to! When I walked back up to where she could touch, she squirmed to get down. With not an ounce of fear, she went back to playing. I sat on the beach, dripping and shaking. The lifeguard caught my eye and gave me a nod. A few minutes later he said, "I love it when parents are faster than I am!"

One of the things about RAD is that the kid thinks they have to control everything, handle everything--like getting her own floaty, or bouncing off the bottom of the lake, not yelling, not flailing, just dealing with what was happening to her. Surviving. When Eva was getting ready to ride the bus for the first time last year (at her insistence), the night before she said, "I don't know how to drive a bus but I guess I'll just keep turning and turning the wheel..." Poor baby thought SHE was going to drive it! Needless to say we reassured her that she was just riding, not driving!

RAD kids also think they are going to be abandoned at any minute. She went to preschool in Jan 2010 (home in Sept 09) and she asked if we were going to bring her bed to school. If you think about an orphanage setting it makes sense. She asked something similar when she started kindergarten last August. Both times she was very matter of fact, the only thing that gave her away (when I look back) was the 'orphanage eyes'. Utter panic but completely expressionless. Before she could bring it up this year I told her that she was just going to school for school, not to live and that she would be coming home to her family every night. I told her fairly often. Even so, this morning she still had 'orphanage eyes'. :-(

Eva will have been home two years on September 12th.

Lots of emotions on my part: confusion, utter panic, fear, hate, fury, regret, depression, worry about Michael, thoughts of "disruption" (where you find another home--this was on my part, never Brad's), crying in the closet, acceptance, commitment, and then this summer: waiting for the other shoe to drop because things were getting better, and finally, falling into "like".

But today.

You know RAD is lessening it's death grip on your kid and things are looking up when...

you cry on your way home after dropping her at first grade and you realize you're crying because you care.
No...wait...that's not quite right...what is this feeling...love?
I love her?
I never thought I could love her but this feels like love.
I can't believe it.
I love her.
I love her.
I love Eva.

Well, was it all worth it? Amazingly...yeah.

Dreamy Mikey

2011-08-13T23:08:00.000-06:00

We're finally starting to hear about what Michael is thinking about when he goes off into "Mikey Land"

Today at lunch he was staring off out the dining room window and I said, "Hey Michael, whatcha thinking about?"

He looks over at us with a smile and says, "Rocket ships" :-)

How many more crazy things can happen to me today??

2011-08-09T13:11:00.000-06:00

Getting out of car at grocery a bottle of Purification essential oil falls out of my purse and SHATTERS on the blacktop--cutting my leg in the process. I bend over to pick up the broken bottle to throw away and my phone falls out-pick it up and put it back in. Leg bleeds for the next 30 min as I walk and dab at it through the store. 3 kleenexes of blood in my purse.

As I'm walking through the produce section--first section of the store, I reach into my purse to check the time on my phone. My finger gets cut on...WTF?? My phone screen is shattered and bits of glass are falling out of it. Shit. Finger bleeds for the next 15 min.

Get home. Get kids inside and start schlepping groceries. First trip with hands full of groceries--the toe of my sandal catches on the stairs going into the house and I crash to the ground, bashing my arm and knuckles of my left hand.

This is not my day.

Is this the best thing ever??

2011-08-05T15:56:00.002-06:00

Oh yes it is.

Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one.
It's fine to be proud of it.
But please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around,
And PLEASE don't try to shove it down my children's throats.

Found Eva sleeping like this!

2011-08-04T22:24:00.000-06:00

This is how we found Eva sleeping tonight :-) Dolls lined up on the left, hugging her huge teddy bear and an eye pillow over her eyes. LOL

No idiots

2011-08-02T13:35:00.001-06:00

The bank gave me lollipops yesterday for the kids. Much carrying on in the back about how much they wanted them. We were heading for the grocery store where the kids are known to be hellions.

Me: If you guys don't act like idiots in the grocery you can have a lollipop.

Eva, quietly talking to herself in the back seat says repeatedly: I'm NOT going to be an idiot in the grocery store, I'm NOT going to be an idiot!

Oh yeah, I'm an awesome mom...

Clogged

2011-08-02T13:24:00.000-06:00

The kid's toilet is clogged.

Me: Michael, remember last night when you put the Dixie cup in the toilet? We threw it away after you tried to flush it. What else did you put in there?

Michael, very seriously: More cups.

Of course.

You idiot, listen to your inner voice.

2011-07-02T12:48:00.005-06:00

My life (this go around) is centered around listening to my inner voice. I'm constantly reminded to do it and occasionally I bash my head into a wall when I don't pay attention. Today was a wall bashing day. My forehead feels bruised, I hit that wall so hard. Mostly the thing that's really hurting me is my heart. I didn't listen to my inner voice to the detriment of my Midgie Girl. Before I go further, let me say Midget is fine now.

We were out working sheep this morning. We arrived at 7:30 to beat the heat. Had a couple of turns and I brought her off the field when I could see she was getting too hot. Water, shade, all was well. My final turn came and out we went. She was doing fine but we were going to stop in a minute--I could see her heating up--I should have come off the field then. I tried a couple more things and then we were done. She had water and laid in the shade. I kept looking at her, she seemed odd to me. Lying on her side with her top front leg straight out in front of her. I dumped my water bottle on her--belly, chest, feet. Still watching her, suddenly her legs start to go stiff. SHIT. That looked horrible and not something I've ever seen. The beginnings of a seizure. My instructor turned and looked at my panicked, "She's not right!" and went for the hose, calling over his shoulder, "Pick her up!" I did and her legs were stiff, hanging straight down. I ran for the water. Midge kept throwing her head around over my right shoulder, banging her nose and muzzle into my cheek like, "Help me!" We got her cooled off with the hose and after about 5-10 minutes she was walking and, while still panting, looking more normal. Once she was up and moving she went straight to the car and looked at me. I opened the door and she curled up on the front seat, still panting. I turned on the a/c and she finally relaxed. She slept the whole way home. I cried a lot of the way home.

Midget is my 4th Border Collie and my 3rd that has had problems with the heat. Each dog has presented differently. Midget getting overheated looks like a any other dog with their tongue out. I have a friend who has two dogs who look just like she does but neither of them overheat. This was TOTALLY my fault. I know both how she looks and more importantly, how *I* feel when she's too hot. I "feel" Midget. No one else can see her heating up but I just know. And I let my unwillingness to look like a wimp hurt my dog. I should be flogged.

Tip was my first BC and one time needed to be dunked in a bath of cool water. She was shaky with wonky eyes. Luckily, from all my reading, I knew what I was looking at. From that point on I was very careful. Shadow never had any problems. Onya benefitted from my experience with Tip. I've wet her paws and body but never because it was VITAL--just because I didn't want it to get to the vital stage. I've been careful with Midge to this point. I've gotten some ribbing over it (I always heard comments with Onya too) but I stuck to my guns. Today I just didn't stick soon enough. I'm beside myself with shame. They give us their all and love us no matter what and all I have to do is put up with a little ribbing or a few sideways looks over it to keep her safe. And I couldn't do that? What kind of dog owner am I? This is the third Border Collie! I F-ING KNOW BETTER.

Listen to your inner voice you idiot--an actual life could be at stake. A life. God.

And I need to add that I don't blame anyone for looks or comments, it's in good fun--this is totally my fault, no one else's. No one knows your dog or kid as well as you do. It's up to each of us to do what is best for our kids-be they four legged or two.

Happy 4th Birthday Michael!

2011-06-15T23:34:00.000-06:00

Here are a few pictures from referral at 3 months to now:

Referral pic, 3 months old, Sept 2007

Our first good picture

Our first day together in Ethiopia, 7 months old

One of my favorites :-), 8 months old

Michael and Shadow, he was a dog person from the start

8 months old

Almost a year old, he was in his chubby cheek phase

1st Birthday!

About 16 months, love this pic!

2nd Birthday, wide eyed about the balloons

2 years old

2.5 years old, lookin' like a big boy

3 years old!

Almost 4. This pic cracks me up. My Dad and Michael, "All right you yellow bellied, lily livered...DRAW!"

I swear, I'll take new 4 year old photos tomorrow! Or at least on Saturday when we're having his birthday party! I never thought I would say these things but: I can't believe he's this big! How did that happen? Wasn't he just a few months old? It goes by way too fast! It really is true :-)

Today Michael wanted to stay home from preschool (he and Eva go twice a week) to spend the day with me. He asked that we have breakfast together (pancakes), then we played out front in the hose, he sat in my lap and drove my minivan around the block (he asked), went to the garden store where he picked out all our annuals for the flower pots, lunch with chocolate cake, nap in my bed-a special treat, and he helped me plant the pots and water them. When he was done with the watering he stood on a low table in the backyard and sang himself the birthday song over and over at the top of his lungs, "Happy Birthday to ME! Happy Birthday to ME! Happy Birthday to ME-EEEEEE! Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!!!" Everyone called and wished him a happy day and he loved talking on the phone. Grandma and Grandpa sent balloons, his favorite!!! On Saturday we're having 4 friends and their families, a bounce house, slip and slide, a cookout and of course cake and ice cream--the things he asks for when I ask him what he would like for his birthday. Gifts? Heck no, give me cake and ice cream! lol

4 years old today! Better than iphone pics tomorrow!

My first trial with Midget!

2011-06-14T12:29:00.001-06:00

A few details first:

Draw: where the sheep are drawn to ie the pen where they live, are fed, or just where they are away from the dogs ;-)
Away flank: from the dog's perspective, to her right
Come Bye flank: from the dog's perspective, to her left
Outrun: when the dog leaves the handler’s side and moves towards the livestock – hopefully pear shaped
Lift: dog makes contact with sheep, not literally, the sheep feel the dog's presence and lift their heads, "Wait! What was that? Shit, it's a dog..."
Fetch: the dog, hopefully, brings the sheep to the handler in a straight a line as possible
Fetch panels: a pair of panels with a big space between them, fetch panels are set on the fetch line
Drive: when the dog and handler are on one side and the livestock are being moved away from them

The course was a 75 yard outrun, lift, fetch, through a pair of fetch panels, pen. I was running last.

Several of the dogs before me had not been able to cover and had lost their sheep when they bolted back for the gate fast. Really fast. Yikes.

Laura and I had talked over the course several times and I knew I wanted to lie Midget down at the top to slow her down and flank her to her Come Bye side to make sure she covered the sheep to keep them from bolting back to the draw. I decided I wasn't going to worry about getting through the fetch panels, it seemed more important to keep the sheep on course! As soon as she got past the fetch panels I was to go to the pen. Got it. Seems simple enough right?

Ha.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I felt fine until my sheep were halfway to being set out and I was walking to the post. I set Midget up to run on her Away side, which is her weaker side but with the draw being to our right we didn't have a choice in the matter. Once the sheep were set I sent her out with a quiet, "Away." she did just fine. It wasn't as wide as it could have been but not tight either. At the lift the four sheep split in half but she brought them back together with no problem and began her fetch back to me. I've worked Midget, I believe, eight times since I've had her (I was out of commission for three weeks with vacation and being sick) and five of those times were this past week leading up to the trial. I've never seen her fetch sheep at anything but a lope or faster and I've always needed to lie her down at or near the top to slow everything down. This time though, whoa, she was bringing them at a fast trot. Nice. I have to admit it was at that point that I slipped into a common novice pitfall--I was just standing there admiring my dog with no other thought in my head but, "Well wow, would you look at that!" I fell completely into the Well of My Dog is Beautiful and Amazing when, without a word from me, she covered and kept the sheep from even thinking they could get away AND while dealing with all of this without any help from her silent and awestruck handler she brought all four sheep straight through the fetch panels and to me.

To me. Her "handler". The one who should have been at the pen by now. Heh heh. Whoops. I had Midget lie down to hold the sheep. I walked to the pen. I was told later that I sauntered. I probably did. I didn't mean to but I also didn't want to run or really move quickly at all for fear of upsetting the quiet dog and sheep situation behind me. I did kind of feel like I was tiptoeing! I was also feeling a little sheepish for forgetting to move to the pen earlier.

I opened the pen, Midget started bringing the sheep and...

Nothing.

All thoughts had flown right out of my head. I could practically hear the wind whistle through the emptiness. It was so empty I couldn't even form the thought, "Shit. I'm screwed."

I'm not sure I've ever felt that befoere. It was creepy. Helloooo, anyone in there...? Finally, panic set in. Sadly not many thoughts joined the panic. I can't say exactly what happened but I know there was a lot of telling Midget to lie down (ignored), flanking commands that made no sense whatsoever (some taken and some ignored), several spins around the outside of the pen, and me finally thinking and then saying something along the lines of "We're done. This isn't working. No point in working Midgie into a frenzy." I called her off and we go to the judge. He says, "I'm assuming you didn't know that stopping before your time is up means that you disqualified yourself?" Me: "What?!? No!" He laughed and said that's what I thought so I gave you your points anyway." I definitely recommend a "fun" Novice trial your first time out!

I was then told that I had a really nice dog, she did a great job, was often right at the pen, and I needed to learn to trust my dog. That was the happy part. Then he said to me, he was super nice and said this with a grin, "You were kind of rooted to the same spot at the pen. You're allowed to move. Use your body to help your dog get those sheep in." something along those lines.

Then it was Laura's turn. Similar comments with similar laughter lol. How can you not laugh about novice runs? Most of us are clueless. I'm lucky to have a good dog who took care of as much as she could with no help from me! Either Judge Mike or Laura uttered the words "like a stump" in reference to how I stood at the pen. Poor Midge!

The Pro-Novice group ran next and then another Novice round. I ran last again. I talked to Cathy and Laura before my run. I mentioned to Laura how I completely forgot everything including my flanking commands at the pen last time. She said to just use my arms to direct her. Oh yeah. Can't believe I forgot that too! Jeez. If you hold your left or right arm out to your side your dog will go in the opposite direction, away from the "pressure" your arm created in her. As I walked by the judge and Laura I told them, "My goal is to not be a stump!"

Again I sent Midge on an Away, again the sheep split in half for a moment, again she brought them back together, and again she covered the sheep nicely bringing two of the four through the fetch panels. Lo and behold as soon as she was through the panels I QUICKLY walked to the pen and opened the gate. She brought the sheep in a straight line (according to Laura, I forgot to look) to me at the pen. YAY Midgie! I was calmer at the pen this time and tried to slow down and THINK. Midget was also calmer. We got the sheep into the mouth of the pen three times I believe but each time they popped back out. At the time it felt like Midget was going in the opposite direction needed and popping them out. Later I was told that penning is a version of driving (which we are only just now learning) and a natural outrunning dog like Midge will keep trying to bring the sheep to me at the end of the gate as opposed to driving them into the pen. Ahhh, that makes sense. With a good handler they would have been able to stop this with good timing. Me? Not so much. The third time the sheep were in the mouth of the pen I stopped Midgie and she just stood there like a good girl. The sheep stood there like lumps, and I stood there like a stump. Then I remembered to move :-) I told Midgie to Stay and I stomped my feet at the sheep. They turned their heads toward the pen. Oooo, that worked! I looked at Midge. I really needed her to take a single step to her Away side. Her eyes were locked onto the sheep. She felt like a spring ready to SPROING! Hmmm. How can I get her to move slowly? I held out my right hand and gave a slow wave to her to get her to move a smidge. Midge and the sheep moved as one, the sheep broke out of the mouth of the pen and Midge was right behind them. The judge called that my pen points were gone but I could continue until my time ran out. I immediately felt calmer. I looked out at Midget and the sheep. Amazingly it felt like they were in the right positions...I had Midget walk up, the sheep went into the mouth of the pen again. Midge took my quiet Lie Down and slight maneuvering flanks well and we penned the sheep! No points but that didn't matter to me--we did it! There is a difference in Midget's mind too, she's happier if she gets it right and penning has such a nice, sheep-inside-gate-slamming-"right" that she seemed to smile a bit at it.

When we came off the field I learned what I had done wrong on our third sheep-in-the-mouth-of-the-pen try. I waved my arm to get Midge to move to her Away side. The sheep were right below my arm. THEY also moved away from my arm! Who knew that sheep responded to the same thing? Everyone but me apparently. Haha, novices don't that's for sure!

Midget and I came in 2nd place both times. There were only five of us running but it made me happy anyway. I was also happy that the second time I wasn't a total stump at the pen and that my head wasn't completely empty! All in all a fun day and a great way to ease into trialing!

What I want to work on for next time:

There is a chance that the next trial in the series (there are three) will be a different course: Outrun, lift, fetch, through the fetch panels, around the handler's post, a drive with the handler and dog together through a set of panels and then the pen. That's a lot to work on but we get bored working on the same things over and over again.

I'm hoping my flanking commands (Away and Come Bye) will become a little more ingrained...as in a little more ingrained than now which is not at all!

I want to work on driving in hopes that it will help with penning too.

And, oh boy, Laura and I are driving to Omaha at the end of next week to go to a Kathy Knox clinic! FUN FUN!

Eva's backpack

2011-05-09T22:23:00.000-06:00

Late this evening Brad was in the kitchen going through Eva's backpack, checking if there was anything that needed to be signed, library books that needed to go back etc. I was in another part of the house and I hear an exasperated, "Come on Eva!" He brings the backpack to show me and says, "What kind of kid packs dirt and rocks in their backpack?!?"
LOL
Our kid.

You know better!

2011-05-05T18:52:00.000-06:00

Midge growled at Onya a few minutes ago.
Michael walks over to Midge and says, "No, no, no Midge. No growling at Onya, you know better."
Then over to Onya and says, "It's okay Onya, it's okay."
Back to Midge, "No growling at Onya, you say you're sorry."

Clouds don't have wheels.

2011-05-02T16:07:00.000-06:00

Coming home in the car this afternoon with Michael:

Me: Wow, look at all those clouds!
Michael: Look at all those cars!
Me: Clouds.
Michael: Cars.
Me: I'm talking about the clouds.
Michael: I'm talking about the cars.
Me: Ok. But look at the clouds, aren't they pretty?
Michael: Clouds don't have wheels.

HAAAAAAAA!!!

New girl dog?

2011-04-17T18:57:00.000-06:00

For those of you who don't know yet, this is Midge (originally known as Midget because she's so tiny--she's inches shorter than Onya--she's about 8 lbs overweight right now so she'll be slimming down soon). She's a 4 year old, smooth coated, tri colored Border Collie. If she works out (and I hope so much that she does!) she will bring Onya and I back into the sheep herding world and she and I are super excited about that! She arrived today and is settling in. Her Mommy was sad to let her go but she has an older dog who was attacking Midge and she didn't feel like it was fair to her. She is a Novice working dog so she'll be perfect for me--she's a similar level as Onya when we stopped herding 3 years ago. Onya is almost 9 so I'll be able to work Midge mostly with smaller bits for Onya so she'll stay happy, feel included, and not hurt her older body :-) I'm so thrilled that Onya and I will get to work together again and pretty excited about working with Midge and beginning a partnership with her too! She has a really sweet personality, much like Onya, and she was raised with kids so there's no concern for ours. Michael took to her right away of course, holding her face in his hands and looking into her eyes. So cute.

Yes, yes, she really is a Border Collie, promise. I even know both her Border Collie parents.

I'm kind of smitten with her eyebrows lol

Pretty girl.


A bit wild eyed over Onya's ball excitement. She's only ever been a working dog so I'll have to teach	her to fetch.

Lucky for us she was raised for the first 15 months of her life with a 4 and 6 year old!

Sigh. If only I weren't so short I could actually SEE over this fence...

Finding my smile

2011-04-16T21:28:00.000-06:00

I've been barefoot running for 14 months. There have been a few breaks in there due to various things (various colds including a 5 week long cold this winter, a need for a PT and a gait analysis, and a weird little over use thing on my knee from snowboarding) but it's spring now and everything is new and wonderful again :-)

I went out for a run this evening (after babysitting a friend's kids this afternoon) and after my normal route I just didn't feel it. I was still stressy, still thinking too much, not breathing hard enough. So I upped my cadence a few notches and felt like I was flying. Onya stopped sniffing everything and loped along next to me, looking up at me every few steps with a happy smile, tongue flapping. When I slowed to a walk, breathing hard, I realized I had found it. The thing that I was looking for. The thing that makes running so much fun. The thing that makes you feel like a kid again. I found my smile!

Some photos

2011-04-12T21:40:00.000-06:00

I'll post more as I go through them all. We were in NC for Josh and Kate's wedding (Josh is Brad's oldest son) in March and I have a TON of pics to still go through. Here are a couple, taken in NC.

Eva Girl curled up on Grandpa's chair.

Our friend Jade holding a sleeping Michael.

Honey bees :-)

2011-04-08T22:04:00.000-06:00

Honey bees our in our pear tree! Love the balls of yellow pollen on their legs--it makes me smile :-)

Ew! Ew! The flu!

2011-02-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

Michael came home from preschool with it Thursday before last. Brad got it last Sunday. Eva got it on Wednesday. And Mommy... is STILL healthy! OH MY GOD! It's a miracle! It really is. How in the world is it possible to take care of two babies and one big baby and not catch it? We've all been on the same natural anti-virals and yet Brad and Eva still caught it. Needless to say, I'm THRILLED. My immune system is finally working! LOL I did manage to get in three snowboarding trips through this whole thing and I'm sure that helped keep me well--fresh air and lots of endorphins.

Best Friend

2011-02-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

After reading a story this evening the kids and I got talking about best friends and what that meant:

Eva: Who's your best friend?

Me: I have a lot of best friends! Daddy, Uncle Michael, Laura, Heather...

Eva: I have four best friends! (listed their names)

Me: Michael, who is your best friend?

Michael looks me in the eyes and says: You.

OMG! How sweet is this kid? I about burst into tears right then and there! My heart!

RAD--Not keeping to the schedule UPDATE

2011-02-01T14:20:00.000-07:00

Well it took her 2 hrs and 45 min (she fell asleep for about 30 minutes) but she finally finished her bed.
GAWD. And she's all smiles now. Let's see how long that lasts.

RAD--Not keeping to the schedule

2011-02-01T12:30:00.000-07:00

Today it's SO cold that they decided to close school. What does that mean in the RAD world? It means that the RAD kid isn't on schedule. Uh oh.

The day started off fine. Michael and Eva played together just fine. No fighting. Everything was going along smoothly. I would love to get outside and play but the temp is -4 which, from my own experience, is the temperature that your eyelashes freeze. Maybe not.

I finished cleaning the upstairs and asked Eva to finish up making her bed (from earlier). All she had to do was put the pillows on and her big bear. She started futzing with the quilt, the sheet, pulling everything all out of whack. I told her to finish up and walked downstairs. She burst into tears. Oh dear, I know that cry. That cry is the cry of a child who is going to make a fuss. For hours.

I've been up there 6 times to check on her progress. Nothing has changed in her room. She just stands there with her hands on her quilt, giving little tiny tugs and grunting like she's moving a 100 pound chest of drawers. We've been through this before and eventually she'll do what she's supposed to do. Sigh. This last time I told her lunch was ready and when she was done with her bed she was to come down and get me. That was 30 minutes ago. I also talked to her about making choices (her teacher talks about that a lot) and she could make a choice to be happy or to be mad. That her choice had nothing to do with me. It was okay to be mad and scream and cry but she would have to do that in her own room--the rest of us don't want to hear it.

I was nice. I didn't lose my cool. I felt calm. Which just makes her more and more mad. She LOVES it when I lose my cool.

Where do you live?

2011-01-31T06:59:00.000-07:00

This morning, getting ready for the day:

Michael: And don't get lost.

Brad: do you know what to do if you do get lost?

Michael: No

Brad: You ask someone for help. Do you know where you live?

Michael: Earth.

Snort.

(Brad came in laughing and said, "I have your blog post for the day!")

"You are a dolt."

2011-01-30T10:33:00.000-07:00

Uncle Chris said, "I have to go get my own grapefruit."

Eva said something in response.

I thought she said, "Because you are a dork."

Brad thought she said, "Because you are a dolt."

Eva ACTUALLY said, "Because you are a adult."

Needless to say, she still has a bit of an Ethiopian accent. ;-)

Nichole's baby's new name according to Michael

2011-01-25T19:15:00.002-07:00

Michael doesn't know anyone with this first name so I'm not sure where it came from. Nichole's baby's (Michael's nephew) new name according to 3.5 year old Michael should be:

Kyle Chicken Nuggets Lupton

What do you think Nichole?

Bye bye dog toy!

2011-01-07T13:38:00.002-07:00

I took Michael in to go potty. He did and I emptied it into the toilet. He likes to flush so I left him to it, saying as I walked into the kitchen, " Remember to pull up your underwear and jeans!" the toilet flushed. Out of the corner of my brain I heard it flush again. I walk back to the bathroom and say, "Only one flush Michael."

Michael says with a big grin: Bye bye toy!
Me: Wait, what did you say?
Michael, with a bigger grin: Bye bye dog toy!
Me: OMG. Which dog toy?
Michael: blue and orange
Me, telling Brad in the kitchen: Of course. It's the perfect plug-a-toilet size. About 5 inches long, stuffed, with a ball on either end, like a dumb-bell.

Both Brad and I had to hold back our giggles. How can you be mad at a kid who thought it was fun to watch it go down? Michael was trying to hide his smile too. He watched as Daddy plunged the toilet. Luckily it worked.

Day 2 of snowboarding

2010-12-31T23:40:00.000-07:00

Laura and I went snowboarding today, it was -2 with a windchill in the minus teens--yikes. We lasted an hour before we headed into the lodge for hot soup and hot chocolate. We were covered from head to toe--no pics because we refused to take our gloves off to use the iPhone. We had balaclavas on with just our faces showing which we then covered with a thin neoprene bandana type thing that covered our noses and mouths (with tiny holes to breathe through--a bit claustrophobic for me but I got over it quickly when I pulled it down at one point and realized that my face would end up frostbitten) and goggles to top it off. We also both had on 2 layers of heavy long underwear bottoms and tops with our heaviest jackets and snow pants. Heavy gloves with glove liners. Snowboard boots have TONS of padding and fleecy liners and...

WE WERE STILL FREEZING! After an hour neither of us could feel our fingers or toes, snot was literally frozen in our noses, and we were fumbling with our bindings to get them off--we had lost fine motor control! LOL Good Lord! Luckily the bottom of the hill was steps away from our car (that's because there were very few people there today) Off to have homemade potato soup, sandwiches, and steaming hot chocolate :-)

Things we/I learned today:
-those handwarmer things don't work in minus temps (you know, when they REALLY need to)
-it takes 15 minutes for the car's engine heat gauge to actually MOVE toward the "H"
-It needs to be at least 10 degrees with no wind chill for us to want to go again (at least we think---we may be proven wrong again)
-Butt and thigh fat stays cold the longest ;-)
-Be careful in the lodge restroom when you take your coat off to pee because it's possible that your season's pass attached to the bottom of your coat could accidentally swipe through toilet water (ewwwwww--I had to wash it off with soap and water--luckily it's made out of plastic)
-Take off the bandana thing BEFORE attempting to take off your balaclava---hehe, because the whole thing will get stuck on your head/over your face and you WILL freak out (me again)
-There is (weirdly) some snow that isn't slippery. We don't know why, to dry? too cold? but today's snow wasn't slippery at all and it was actually an effort to get down the hill in most spots
-Even if it takes an hour to get there, if the parking lot is nearly empty, GO HOME
-When snot freezes in your nose, GO HOME
-Wind the wind swirls uphill and blows your precariously balanced self over on to your ass, GO HOME

My Daddy

2010-12-21T08:49:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to post that Michael has, for some months now, called Brad, "My Daddy" as in:

"My Daddy, can we go to the car store?" (Target LOL)

"My Daddy, can I have a snack?"

"My Daddy! Mommy wants you!"

The sweetest boy ever!!!

Underwear!

2010-12-21T08:47:00.000-07:00

I've finished the first year of my blog and turned it into a book using Blurb. I will have to give Michael the book from the year 2010 and all his potty escapades for his wedding day someday ;-)

Today is day two for big boy underwear--whooohooo! He had one pee accident yesterday in his underwear and Brad said he was pretty startled by the whole thing, "DADDY!!!" LOL!

Potty Talk

2010-12-19T17:10:00.000-07:00

I *think* the potty training has begun in earnest now! After that first exciting moment there was nothing going on on that front until Friday, nearly a week later! Brad was the one who was having all the exciting moments (oh yeah and Michael too LOL) Michael wasn't interested in me being around. Oh darn, no butt wipes ;-) Four pees today and two of them were with me! I promise not to chronicle EVERY SINGLE potty break for you but today was pretty exceptional. We're currently rewarding with Matchbox cars and Michael is loving that. I'm sure that will have to stop soon because, well, how many times do people go to the bathroom in a day???

A Boy and His Dog

2010-12-14T20:37:00.000-07:00

Love this picture :-)

A boy and his dog.

Peekaboo...

My beautiful boy :-)

No, I didn't ask for poses on any of Michael's pics either!

Onya says, "Merry Christmas!!!"

This one just made me laugh

Michael, 3.5 years old tomorrow!

Eva Diva and the Santa Hat

2010-12-14T11:15:00.001-07:00

I didn't ask her to pose, this is just Eva being Eva :-)

A banner day at the MacMonagle house!

2010-12-12T22:45:00.001-07:00

Michael, who is known as the back-the-hell-off-I'll-do-it-in-my-own-damn-time kid in our house has been interested in the potty for probably 6 months now. He likes to flush it, he'll occasionally sit on one, he'll talk about how when he learns how to go potty he'll get to go on a plane to visit Uncle Michael with Mommy, how he'll go to the big boy preschool (the Montessori preschool that Eva went to last year). I've done a little bit of bribing with M&Ms and Matchbox cars just to get him to SIT on the potty. But when we had this conversation a few weeks ago, I just gave up--he'll learn when he's ready:

Me: Michael do you want to go sit on the potty?
Michael: Candy?
Me: Yes.
Michael: No thank you. I don't wanna.

He does everything in his own time and really has no interest in crazy encouragement on our part. Crawling, walking, talking, riding his bike. He's always learned in his own way. He quietly watches for as long as he needs, absorbing everything and then BAM he does it and shocks everyone. He's never done ANYTHING in the potty. Not one drop. Tonight he pooped on the potty. OMG. We put him to bed and he was calling, "Daddy!" 5 minutes later. Brad went up and Michael said he wanted to go potty. Huh. Okay. Sat him on the big potty. Nothing. Asked if he wanted to sit on the little potty. Yes. Michael sat down and swung the door shut (for about 6 months now he's been kind of private about pooping in his diaper lol). Brad waited. Michael said, "Daddy! Look! I pooped in the potty!"

And HOLY MOTHER OF GOD he actually had! I have a pic but it's blurry (because he's so excited) and really, you probably don't want to see it anyway ;-). My family however...hehe...yes, I sent them a poop picture.

In other good news! Eva learned to ride a bike today! Wow! Apparently the balance bike idea really works :-) About a week ago Brad took the pedals and the training wheels off her bike. She watched Michael like a hawk (he'd already figured it out a couple weeks before on his own bike--also in his OWN time!). Today Brad put the pedals back on and she rode it right away! Cool! This video was taken after about 5 minutes:

Here's one of Michael (below) riding his balance bike down a grassy hill. He's been doing the sidewalk hills for a few weeks now and Brad thought it would improve his balance even more if the ground were bumpy grass. Apparently he was right because today Michael started zooming in little circles around me which he wasn't able to do before. The wind sound goes away after the first ride down and you can hear his bouncing squeal the second time:

Someone on a list I'm on was recently talking about how to get their kid to ride a bike and I wrote this as my response:

"It took him 6 months before he would do anything but walk next to that balance bike (occasionally with some gentle encouragement he would struggle onto the seat, take a few pushes with his feet and struggle off, forcefully saying, "NO.") but patience on all our parts paid off because a few weeks ago he got on and just started doing it! Within a few days he was zipping down the gentle but long slope in front of our house and now...neighbors are looking at him saying, "Wow! He's a little daredevil!"--something that has NEVER been said about him! He hops on and odd the seat like a pro and doesn't have to struggle.

I never let anyone push him into more because I remember how it felt when I was a whitewater kayaker. I would hear all the time, "You can do class 4 xyz river--you have the skills for it-- you just need to get your head in the game." I knew their intentions were good but it was nothing but stressful for me. Occasionally I would try something I didn't feel ready for and while I always did just fine (because I really did have the skills) I never had fun doing what I felt was over my head. When *I* felt ready I would go for it, do great AND have a great time. I wish I had known as an adult what my son knows as a three year old...just say NO! And mean it!"

Pudge to the farty goers

2010-12-12T11:09:00.000-07:00

"I need a platter to serve pudge to the farty goers."

Oh yes. That came out of my mouth to a grocery store employee yesterday.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Pudge to the farty goers! Pudge to the farty goers! PUDGE TO THE FARTY GOERS!!!!!

OMG!!! I still can't stop laughing about it!

Blankets, pillows, and sheets oh my!

2010-12-06T08:03:00.000-07:00

Michael has never allowed any of the above anywhere near him while in bed. The ban included stuffed animals as well. He has always allowed any of them as long as he's sleeping with us. My "feeling" on it has always been it's because of his twin sister Maddie, who died of...who knows what. One minute she was fine, the next moment orphanage caregivers were waking everyone up from a nap and she wasn't breathing, and the next she was gone. Michael and Maddie's cribs were pushed up next to each other, side by side. All of the kids were wrapped in tons of blankets, including all around their heads. I've always assumed that Maddie suffocated--we were never told. Michael was right next to her, and whether he saw whatever it was happen or not, she was his sister, his twin, he knew she was gone. So, when Michael refused anything in his crib and was panicked if I tried to insist, I stopped, and allowed him to have it the way he wanted it to be. (I never even tried until about 6 mo ago.) But this past week wow! He's growing by leaps and bounds! In the past week or so he's learned how to actually ride his Strider balance bike (he's flying down hills!), is riding a three wheeled scooter as of three days ago, is really doing well in full sentences and personal pronouns, and...drumroll please...is allowing a blanket and tonight asked for a pillow! My friend Heather says he grows in huge leaps, plateaus, and then another huge leap--I agree--it's been interesting to watch. He quietly watches and learns and then suddenly...does.

Saturday night I asked if he wanted to put sheets on his bed (he has a fitted but has never wanted a top sheet) and he said, “Yes. Blue ones.” I told him he could pick out his own at Target on Sunday. These flannel sheets are what he chose :-) Of course after all the excitement of having new sheets did he decide he could actually use them? Nope, didn’t want that top sheet or pillow after all! LOL Oh well—baby steps are good too!

Michael's "homework"

2010-12-06T07:41:00.000-07:00

Every morning we get up a little bit early so Eva has time to do her homework before and after breakfast. Michael likes to color during that time. Lately I've been giving him shapes to trace and he ususally does a few. Today he was very excited--he traced them all! :-) I gave him a sticker for his "homework" just like Eva gets at school! (Not a great pic but it's nearly impossible to get a clear pic of either kid with my iPhone--too much wiggling!)

2010-12-04T08:29:00.000-07:00

Me, dropping Michael off at preschool yesterday morning: I love you!
Michael: I love you too! Have fun with Laura (sounds like YoYa)
Me: Thank you I will! (we were going for a hike)
Michael: Be careful!

Awwwww...my three year old baby is telling me to have fun and be careful! How sweet!

RAD: General Julie and NOTOTL

2010-11-27T21:24:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday Nov 16 I broke down and spent an hour and a half sobbing uncontrollably in my closet. I was so scared, so spent, so hopeless. Everything I was trying was backfiring. I didn't know how to fix anything. Wednesday, Brad went on a 3 day business trip. That night I spoke to my brother as usual. We discussed my crazy and he tried to figure out what I should do--suddenly he said, "Wait. This happened before, about a year ago you were in a horrible depression and you came out of it. You got really strict with her and it worked." OMG. I remember that! I remember how well it worked and things started getting better and so I started slacking off. Then we went to NC for 6 weeks and it all went to hell.

I started back right away and things got better right away. I've promoted myself from Sheriff to General Julia whose motto is Not One Toe Over The Line. Again, Eva is responding marvelously.

It was interesting that when Brad got back on Friday I went to see a movie that evening. Every preview I saw either had the Never Give Up premise or literally had the words Never Give Up in the actual preview. I take that as a sign from my Grandma Johnson--that was kind of her motto.

(Of course now Michael has decided to really and truly enter the Terrible Threes...(rolling eyes)--he's having a hard time not being able to charm himself out of the trouble he gets into. I'm being more strict with him as well (not the same as Eva of course) and he's kind of hating it. But really, how many times can you pour your juice on the table and expect to get away with it??? God!)

I'm not sure why but my NOTOTL motto allows me to dish out discipline without much emotion and allows me to hug, kiss, love Eva during the good times and mean it--AND GET THIS--she allows me to do it and seems to enjoy it!

Huh?

Yeah, that's what I said too. She's responding well to VERY strict boundaries and I do much better with black and white too. We're both letting go of some of our negative feelings. I've actually tickled her out of a grump several times in the last few days and we both ended up laughing. That's never happened before. She's responding to my enthusiasm like never before too. Previous she would completely reject me (which was a major part of my depression).

I'm really starting to enjoy her. Shocking I know.

I took the kids and Onya for a hike with our friend Laura and her Border Collies. I talked to them as we arrived, telling them what my expectations were. They were great on the walk and Eva didn't try to ruin it. She even fell and got some super fine cactus like stickers in the palm of her hand. With Laura's encouragement she kept a stiff upper lip and let me pull them all out. I've had those stickers and the stinging feeling doesn't go away for about 15 minutes after they've been pulled out. Ouch!

Tonight Laura and I went to see 127 Hours, the movie where James Franco plays Aaron Ralston, the guy who got his arm stuck between 2 boulders in a fall and had to saw off his own arm. Talk about someone who's motto is Never Give Up! What an inspiration!

CoCo was SUPPOSED to be housebroken...

2010-11-27T08:01:00.000-07:00

Well CoCo was SUPPOSED to be housebroken...grrrr. She's peed and pooped all through our house but the best was when she peed on our duvet/comforter! That was the night before the Chocolate Incident. Tuesday morning I look over to find CoCo chewing on something kind of rectangular and dark brown. Huh? She was in the far corner of the living room so I couldn't tell what it was. I walked over and found her chewing on a chocolate bar! WTH! I take it away and start searching through the house for the wrapper, found it in Brad's office on a desk. Ok that's weird. I was talking to my mom at the time so the kids heard me talking. Eva pipes up, "Michael ate it!"
Me: What??

After much talking with the kids I figured out they had opened it, eaten some of it and then given it to the dog. Brad had had some of it the night before. It appeared that CoCo may have eaten about 1/2 oz of 55% dark chocolate. CoCo is only 6 lbs and already has GI issues. I called the vet and they asked that I induce vomiting. Of course they did. After two applications of hydrogen peroxide she still hadn't vomited and the vet said she must not have eaten as much as we thought. Thank God she was fine. Can you imagine? Really, she's a sweet little dog (even with the peeing and pooping everywhere) I'm really not trying to off her!

So after the Peeing on my Comforter Incident and the Chocoalate Incident I called her alternate babysitter for a little break. He's had her since Tuesday afternoon. He called last night hoping for a break. I'll pick her up this morning. I'm sure he's sick of cleaning up after all her little accidents too. Her owners don't come back until Dec 3. God help us. I would never have offered to do this if I had thought she would revert to non-housebroken-ness. I guess we'll have to break out the carpet scrubber after she leaves. I've never done the whole house before--that should be fun and take up a whole weekend! Oh boy! |-( Boo hiss.

A Comedy of Errors

2010-11-19T21:57:00.001-07:00

Michael and I pick up Eva from the school bus stop at the end of my street at 4. The last few days we've dropped off her backpack on the front porch and headed out for a walk. We get home around 4:45 and it's almost dark!

Yesterday afternoon was incredible. It was shocking how many stupid things happened in such a short amount of time. SHOCKING.

We're babysitting CoCo the Shitzu for two weeks while her parents go on a cruise. Yesterday her Mommy dropped her off at my house at 9am. By 4:30 she was lost--well almost.

Michael and I got Eva, dropped off backpack, they got helmets and bikes and off we went. Onya's running loose because she's a brilliant and capable Border Collie and CoCo is on a leash because she's a Shitzu. Onya was zooming around, chasing her frisbee and sniffing the best sniffs and CoCo was sniffing everything--EVERYTHING. I had CoCo on one of my old Flexi leashes because of her crazy sniffing. I can't stand to have her on her own 4 foot leash because I have to stop every time she does. The Flexi lets me keep on strolling most of the time. The Flexi is also, it turns out, an evil wild rabid animal bent on the destruction of tiny dogs. Who knew?

But I digress, you'll want to hear the story in order so you can fully understand the unbelievableness of it.

I had given the kids granola bars because Eva can't go 10 seconds without food off the bus without an extreme meltdown. Eva was riding along on her training wheel bike, eating her granola bar and talking to me a mile a minute. My little multi-tasker. Michael was having a problem walking, eating, and pushing his balance bike (which he only rides occasionally because being off balance freaks him out). So I picked up his bike and carried it (it weighs 6 lbs). I was carrying his bike in my left hand and had CoCo's leash in my right hand.

We got about half way around our loop (about three blocks from home), CoCo got to the end of the 15 foot Flexi and jerked it out of my hand. I dropped the bike. The Flexi...oh dear...oh no...went FLYING through the air and...yep, you guessed it...attacked CoCo. She screamed like she was being killed and took off at top speed, which it turns out, was impressively fast for such a tiny dog.

CoCo was running for her life. (and screaming) (The leash flapping and jerking behind her--occasionally getting caught on a bit of tumbleweed and streeeeeetching, letting loose and whapping her in the ass. I wish I had a photo of the sheer horror on her face.)

Running. (and screaming) (The kids were laughing uncontrollably at this point because I was trying to catch her and couldn't. At which point I told them to, "SHUT UP." Not my finest parenting moment.)

Running. (and screaming) (I went running down the street but was brought up short by the fact that I couldn't leave the kids...oh yeah, the kids...The same kids who were staring at me as dumbfounded as I was about the stupid Flexi--"I never thought THAT would happen!")

Running. (and screaming)

Running. (and screaming)

Until...I couldn't see her anymore (but I could still hear her crying)

Uhhhhh...THINK Julia!!! I told the kids, "Come on Eva, ride fast! Michael, run!" They start putt, putt, putting across the street toward me. Bad parenting moment #2: I shrieked in frustration, "OMG you guys, RUN!!!" Eva shot past me on her bike and Michael, who looked worried, ran faster, holding on to his little blue bike and granola bar. I grabbed Michael's bike in one hand and Michael's hand in the other.

Once I got them moving back toward the house (thank GOD CoCo went back towards the house) I looked up and saw one of my neighbors, I yelled, "Help!" and she took off in the direction of the screaming. I continued to encourage Michael, "Come on buddy, keep going!" and yelling for Eva to stop before the cross street. Onya just staying with me. Because she's good. And smart. And a Border Collie. I think she was secretly laughing at CoCo.

I finally got closer to my house and I saw my teenage neighbor with two of his Mom's boyfriend's dogs off leash (I haven't met these new dogs yet). They were big dogs: a lab mix and a shepherd mix. All of a sudden they both took off like a flash. OMG. CoCo was going to be eaten! The neighbor started to run, I started to run, the teen boy was just sauntering. Michael wailed from behind me, "Mommy!!!" and I stopped. Eva was way in front of me, still on her bike, and the adult neighbor was near her. Michael was about 15 feet behind me so I waited for him. I hear feet, turn around, and the lab mix was racing toward us, hackles up. Michael was still behind me. Mama Bear reared her head, I crouched, spread my arms and growled, "NO!" Lab stopped and turned around. Shepherd mix came at us then, I did the same thing and it too turned around. Probably pretty nice dogs really but I was freaked out that Michael wasn't close enough for me to protect. That was a heart clenching, stomach dropping feeling.

Michael called to me, "I can't run anymore!" I went back, scooped him up in my left arm, bike in my right hand, and started running again. I yelled to Eva, "Cross the street and go to our porch!" Eva crossed the street, rode like mad...right past our house. Argh. I dropped Michael and his bike off on our corner. Gave him the same instructions, yelled to Eva to stop and go to our porch. I bolted across the street and saw the teen get control of the dogs and my neighbor had found and was untangling CoCo. I can relax. She was safe. The kids are on my porch and safe. I walk up to my neighbor Sharon and burst into tears. I'm such an idiot. My safe-on-the-porch-kids cross the street to me without help or even looking both ways (argh).

Done yet? No.

Phew! All was well. We all crossed back across the street. I put the dogs in the house. I picked up the kids bike and schlepped them up the steps to the porch. I heard Eva say, "Mikey! Don't spit, that's not nice!" I looked...what is that...spit?...nope, puke. Bad parenting moment #3: Oh my poor baby! I made him run three blocks with most of a newly eaten granola bar in his tummy.

Done yet? Nope.

We went in the house to find...a tiny turdlet on the floor. Apparently CoCo really did have the shit scared out of her. I yelled, "No one move!" because really, we all know that one of them would have stepped in it. Picked it up with a tissue and threw it away.

Done yet? You would think so right? No. It was just that sort of day.

Eva went out the glass/screen door to the front porch to get her backpack. As she was coming back in, dragging her backpack on the ground behind her, the wind howled and slammed the heavy door right into the side of her head--immediate lump. Of course. Seriously? GOD! She started screaming and crying but refused to let go of her backpack which was wedged in the door. Of course. I finally got her to let go and we hugged and kissed, and I got ice for her head.

Done. FINALLY. Jeez.

Sleeping with prayer beads

2010-11-15T22:27:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I started sleeping with my prayer beads. I love them but haven't used them in awhile. I saw them the other day and it seemed I should sleep with them. I had a great night's sleep. I woke up feeling well rested, unusual for me lately. I sometimes wear them during the day--they help me remember to pray UNCEASINGLY for help with Eva.

The interesting thing was that I chose amethyst for my beads because they "felt" right. When we accepted Eva's referral I bought an amethyst wrist mala to help me to remember to pray for/remember Eva. I wore it every day. Again I bought amethyst because it felt right. Today I found out that amethyst is Eva's birthstone (February). Another "coincidence" yes?

Mala is a Sanskrit word. In Chinese, the rosary is nianzhu; in Japanese, nenju; in Vietnamese, tranghat. The most common English translations are "rosary" or "prayer beads."

The English word "rosary" may have come from the Sanskrit japa mala. When Roman explorers came into India and encountered the mala, they heard jap mala, and jap for the Romans meant "rose." Thus when the mala was carried back to the Roman Empire as rosarium, and into English as "rosary."

This evening when I put Eva to bed I talked with her about feelings, naming feelings, and talking about feelings. We practiced over and over saying, "Mommy, I'm scared (or angry,or sad, etc). I need to talk." I have no idea if such a thing will work but I don't think it will hurt. At least I hope not.

Today, while Michael was in his little twice a week preschool I actually forced myself to NOT take a nap and to go downstairs and paint. I have a dog portrait for someone in NC that is due before Christmas. Once I got started I was happy to be doing it. Ahhh...a tiny step out of the icky black hole. YAY!

RAD--Pee Day Revisited

2010-11-14T21:54:00.000-07:00

Well, it happened again. In a time-out fury yesterday evening, Eva peed all over her bed. Just a couple of nights before she accidentally wet the bed in the middle of the night so the bed had to be changed. Which means that her waterproof mattress cover wasn't on the bed. Damn.

We had been having a few fairly okay days interspersed with some vulnerable moments on Eva's part. I guess it was too much for her. It got too scary so she had to ruin it.

It started when Laura came over for dinner. She, the kids, and I were hanging out in the living room but they (particularly Eva) wouldn't let us carry on a conversation. This happens often, where Eva makes herself the center of every situation. I'm really starting to work on this lately. I want them to be able to hang out around adults, play with their toys, join in appropriately, and also allow us to carry on a conversation. Of course there are a lot of interruptions but there is no need for us to sit in a room and stare at her while she whirls from thing to thing yelling, "Look! Look at me!" It's crazy making for sure and it's not good for any of us, including her. So. I told them to play with their toys while Laura and I talked. There were several reminders for both of them. I warned time-out for the next time. A bit later Michael got up and went over to cuddle with Laura. Laura was tickling him, everything was fine, until Eva got jealous (I'm trying to remember she's scared) and started being rude, insisting Michael get down, it was her turn, and of course none of this was in a nice tone. I told her to wait her turn. It was then that she, several times in a row, acted like she was going to hit Michael--only stopping her hand/fist inches from his head/face (he was half hanging upside down in Laura's lap). The look on her face was frightening. I was so shocked that I was just frozen for a second. It was Laura who snapped me out of it, saying that wasn't allowed. I took Eva by the hand, led her to the stairs and told her to go to her room for a time-out. 5 minutes later we called for her to come out whenever she was ready. She came downstairs. I heard Brad growl to her, "You go take a shower RIGHT NOW."

Huh? What the...?

I looked at her and her jeans are soaked. Brad went upstairs with her, I followed a few minutes later to find him taking everything off the bed, saying that she had peed all over her bed.

We did our best to not freak out. I tried talking to her while she was in the shower. I asked her why she was angry. She cried and said because she peed on her bed. Hmm. I tried again and asked her if she was scared before she peed on the bed. She said yes. I asked if it scared her when Michael got attention, she said yes. I went through my spiel about how Mommy and Daddy have enough love for both of them. That we'll love her no matter what. Blah blah blah. I was not feeling the love while saying it but I said it. There's this whole thing about RAD kids and how they know what you're feeling (they've had to learn to pick up unspoken communication in order to survive and they are very, very good at it). I'm very confused about the whole "fake it 'til you make it" mindset now. If the kids know how you are feeling (not loving) but you are talking about loving them--how is that going to lead to them trusting you? If I say, "I bet you are angry honey and I totally understand and I love you." but I'm feeling angry myself and not loving---am I doing more harm than good by telling her untruths? It's just not meshing with me, I don't understand how that's supposed to work.

Brad had her stay with him while he was cleaning her bed (water, Nature's Miracle, and a shop vac) and that made her howl. He talked to her afterwards, basically saying the same thing I said.

Two vulnerable events that probably led to Pee Day Revisited:

The night before I was cutting her nails with the clippers and she wanted to help. She wasn't waiting for me to line them up before she started clipping away so I told her to let me do it, that I didn't want her to get cut. She said, "If I get cut and bleed, then I'll be all alone." Oh dear God. I told her that she would always be with us, we would always love her, that she was safe with us. She turned around and gave me a big ol' uncontrived hug.

When I was putting her to bed that night she and I had a fun time, me reading her a story, then she read it to me (that was a first, she always pretends that she doesn't know how to sound things out with me, but with Brad she'll try) I was excited that she was trying to read with me! A tiny breakthrough! Then we played a silly game of her making where we talk about what color horse is our favorite. I said palomino and showed her a picture of one in the horse book. When I said, it's time to go to sleep and I went to put the book down she turned orphanage grabby and tried to snatch it out of my hand--maniacal forced laughter followed. I calmly told her to let go and lie down. She reared back and cracked the back of her head into the outer edge of my eyebrow. OMG that hurt. I held back tears of pain but more of frustration, told her I loved her and left the room. She started howling. I went to say good night to Michael. He immediately said, "Oh Mommy's crying!" I told him Eva wacked my eyebrow and he said, "I sorry..." and hugged me. Sweetest kid EVER.

We've been told that all this crap is actually a good thing. That kids who are starting to attach really ramp up the shitty behaviors.

I'm not processing well right now. I'm going throughout a depression and spend a lot of time crying. My half day off this afternoon was nice for awhile but I was not able to unhook from my RAD life. Back to crying on the drive back home. Weekends are definitely the worst because we are with her 24/7 for two days.

We had therapy on Friday and I talked to our therapist about how upset I am. After a lot of back and forth she put words to my pain, "Eva is rejecting your joy." That is just IT. I'm basically a happy person (although if you've only joined my blog in the last year you probably don't believe me!) I laugh a lot, I find humor in the littlest things and I really like being a Mom...to Michael anyway. When I act like my normal self around Eva she won't accept me being silly or funny--she'll act like a grump, or cry, or try to make me mad. The only thing that works is me having no emotion. I hate it. After more talking with the therapist I realized that yes, I've had other people reject me because I'm happy. So, since this really bothers me, Eva has found that sore spot and picked at it until it started to bleed. Thanks hon. My therapist's current solution is for me to work on separating out my reactions. So, when Eva does something that triggers my hurt, I'm supposed to say to myself, "Self, she is triggering my hurt. I'm going to put that aside for right now, deal with Eva in this situation, and look at my hurt later." I'm also supposed to do more "self care". Do more things I enjoy (cooking, baking, reading, friends, artwork, etc). I find it very hard to do things I normally love though. I don't particularly care about food, I don't want to paint, I don't want to run. Instead I want to sleep. A lot. If you are a praying person, we could really use a few.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

RECIPE: Julia's Decadent Rocky Road Ice Cream

2010-11-14T20:27:00.000-07:00

My new favorite homemade ice cream!

I've been making ice cream for about a year now and always use recipes. Last night I tried something new and it was YUMMY. I've made goat milk ice cream (I can't eat cow dairy) and I've made coconut milk ice cream but never mixed them together until last night.

So here is the recipe for Julia's Decadent Rocky Road Ice Cream!

Ganache:
1/4 cup milk (soy, cow, goat--rice didn't work well)
2 T real maple syrup
3 oz Chocolove Milk Chocolate bar, broken Into pieces
1 oz semi sweet chocolate chips
1/3 cup cocoa powder

Bring milk to a gentle boil over medium heat. Take off heat and add maple syrup, chocolate bar, chocolate chips, and cocoa powder, whisk until smooth and let cool.

Ice cream:
14 oz can of whole coconut milk (don't refrigerate, it turns into a solid)
14 oz whole milk (I use raw goat milk)
1/2 cup agave
1 cup mini marshmallows

In a medium bowl whisk coconut milk, whole milk, agave. Pour into ice-cream maker, turn on and add chocolate ganache, then follow directions, mine takes 25 minutes until done. Half way through cycle pour in mini marshmallows.

Top with any or all: more mini marshmallows, chocolate chips, nuts, chocolate syrup, Brad likes raisins too. I've tried adding the nuts to the ice cream maker but after a few days in the freezer the nuts get kind of chewy. You could also make extra chocolate ganache and use it as a topping. Store that in the fridge, microwave some of it for a few seconds and pour it on. Decadent Rocky Road---mmm---happiness :-)

"YAY! Eva listened!"

2010-11-13T17:30:00.001-07:00

Eva and Michael wanted to, "look for spots on the floor" which means take a wet rag and clean the kitchen floor. Of course I encourage this-hehe. I know, I know, maybe I should mop once in awhile and there wouldn't be spots...

Anyway, I got them both a rag out of the drawer and Eva tries to grab them from me (fun orphanage left over--grabbiness). I tell her to let go, she pauses, and then DOES. I said, "GOOD JOB Eva!" and she smiles at me. Michael smiles, cheers and claps his hands, "YAY! Eva listened! Good job Eva!"

Eva's hair cut and bow

2010-11-13T12:07:00.003-07:00

Yes, I know, I cut it too short this time--this is only the second time I've cut it myself. Next time remind me that it needs to be about 2 inches long when dry! Luckily last night we read about Kenyan Wangari and Her Trees of Peace. I noticed her fab hair pretty and Eva and I decided she needed one too. I had this fabric downstairs and just cut it and tied it on. Whew! She looks like a girl again! Interestingly Eva has really latched onto my need for her to have short hair (we have enough to deal with without adding "doing" hair every morning) and has been asking for a haircut for some time now. We finally found time this morning. She ran her fingers though it and said, "No more tangles!" :-)

Michael and Eva funnies

2010-11-12T13:11:00.000-07:00

I swap time with a mommy friend in the neighborhood. Yesterday I had her 3 year old Mason. Ever since he started coming over here and, of course, calling me Julia, Michael has started calling me Julia sometimes too! Yesterday as he and Brad were looking for me in the house I heard him yell, "JewYA! :-) Cracks me up.

I was looking in the fridge for the bagel that Michael requested for lunch. I couldn't find any. I was searching around and finally found one last bagel and I said, "There's one more bagel, oh thank God." And Michael says, "Oh tank God!"

Last weekend we took Michael and Eva to a horse show put on by a group called the Westernaires. As we were driving to Denver I kept exclaiming about how many hot air balloons we were seeing, "Hey! There's another one! Oh! Two more! There's 5 all together!" From the backseat Eva says, "Oh my God! That's a lot!" Heehee

It's just PMS

2010-11-11T21:58:00.000-07:00

This evening I'm a big mishmash of feelings. I spent a large portion of this snowy day on my computer (guilt) turning year one of my blog into a book. I used a website called blurb.com and it was pretty easy. Year one for me started September 16, 2007 and ended at the end of December. The book will be 114 pages, full color, and about $40 each. I plan on buying 3, one for me, and one for each of the kid's memory chests. God knows how much the next years are going to cost but it will be worth it to me to have hard copies and for the kids to know their beginnings. One of the questions I have about the 2009 and 2010 years is: how much of the RAD stuff do I put in there? I'm not sure about Eva knowing what a hard time we "had" (assuming it will get better someday) with her. Or is it okay to hear because it's not like she's going to forget it, she's five!

Anyway I find myself quite boohooey about Madeline's (Michael's twin sister) death after reliving it today as I formatted the book. It's so hard to believe that it didn't work out, that we didn't get answers about how she died, that it's likely Michael will always feel a hole where Maddie should be. I wonder what it would have been like to have her? Would she have been like Michael? The whole thing is heart breaking.

I'm reading Beyond Consequences Logic and Control now and feel a bit overwhelmed with a whole new theory. I'm exhausted constantly trying to read new info, trying to gauge every word she says in order to respond appropriately and try to bring about healing. I'm always walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. No, nothing hideous happened today, all in all it was a pretty good day for Eva. She arrived home on the bus and our first conversation was me asking if she had a good day but of course I couldn't just ask that. Oh no. I almost did but caught myself just in time (since that would have brought out an immediate, "No. I had a bad day." and a likely melt down soon after) instead I had a split second dialog and changed my tactic with a calm, "Did you have a good day or a bad day?" Which worked. But it's just that kind of thing that just set me on edge today, I can't even ask a simple question for fear of the meltdown. I'm so tired.

It's probably just PMS. That's what I'm telling myself anyway. I'll feel better tomorrow.

Michael stats

2010-11-11T20:29:00.000-07:00

3 years and 5 months old

39 5/8 inches tall

Wearing size 4 tops and bottoms. The tops are about an inch too long in the sleeve and too long in general but 3s are just too darn short--however the 4 pants fit him perfectly in length as long as they are cinched way in. Don't you love those adjustable waist bands??

36 lbs

I was telling Brad that just a year ago he was in size 2. How did this happen? ;-)

Idiot Walmartonian.

2010-11-11T08:14:00.003-07:00

I went to Walmart with Michael yesterday and while checking out the (older) check out lady asks me,
"Are you the Grandma or the Mom?" ????

WTF is wrong with people??? Who asks shit like that??

Stupid Walmartonians that's who. No wonder I hate to shop there.

GAH!

The nicest night :-)

2010-11-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

I just finished the nicest evening with Michael. Brad and Eva had a school thing to go to (learning more about learning to read) so I took Michael to Angkor, a Cambodian restaurant in Longmont that we both love. He had his favorite dish and as usual ate most of an adult portion! While waiting for our dinners we played with cars on the table and he just talked and talked to me. It was so much fun! On the car ride home I said, "Thank you for going to dinner with me!" and Michael said, "Yeah, I had fun!" LOL

I got him ready for bed, we read a story, and then I lay down with him for awhile. He wanted to sing, Twinkle Twinkle, ABCs, The Itsy Bitsy Spider, and Rain Rain Go Away. Then he wanted to play "balloons". I wasn't familiar with the make believe balloon game so he had to show me. First he "handed" me a red balloon. Then I was to give him a blue one. We went back and forth like that for awhile, getting more and more balloons until we had a bunch each. Then I said that maybe we were floating to the sky with our balloons, that maybe we were visiting the moon and stars. After awhile of talking about the stars and moon he said it was time to drop the balloons over the side of the bed. Down we came, waving goodbye to the stars and moon, "See you tomorrow!" It was the cutest thing. I've seen the kids playing pretend out in the yard but they always stop when I come out. It was really precious that he shared this little game with me :-)

Will he or won't he? Potty Training-ugh

2010-11-10T16:46:00.001-07:00

I have no idea why this turned into a wide format version and I can't figure out how to make it look normal darn it. Anyway, you get the point :-)

This was before nap. After nap I asked if he wanted to sit on the potty again. He said, "Candy?" and I said yes! He said, "No, thank you. I don't wanna sit on the potty." LOL

And THAT is why there is no point in pushing Michael into doing things he's not ready to do yet. He was the same way about walking, talking, and is still this way about using a pillow or a blanket.

RAD--Reverse Psychology, The Tale of the Bus That Never Arrived, and Candy Snarfing in Private

2010-11-10T13:08:00.000-07:00

RAD and Reverse Psychology
Eva was excited yesterday but today she's acting like she's not because I was a fool and said, " Isn't this exciting??" this morning. Whatever I say she's the exact opposite. Fun. Yesterday I said, "Let's go home and you can tell Grandma all about your day at school!" she hasn't done that in awhile and they both love it. She whines, "I dooon't want toooo" and nearly cries. Are you kidding me??? So I tried the exact opposite (recently read about this on a RAD list I'm on) when we got out of the car (with zero emotion like I have to do everything with her-why would no emotion work??), "I don't think you should talk to Grandma." 30 seconds later she says, "I want to talk to Grandma!!!" Oh. My. God. I can remember my mom using reverse psychology on us but it was always with a laugh and smile. That normal way doesn't work with her at all and most often makes her cry. No emotion? Works perfectly. I hate that. I'm not an emotionless drone for gods sake-blech. Ok. Done with my rant for now.

Or maybe not...
The Tale of the Bus That Never Arrived

Here are my three kids at 7:50 this morning. Everyone is looking pretty happy! Eva finally got on board with being excited about the big event.

And then...

The bus was supposed to arrive at 8:00 am---called the school at 8:10 and was told the bus wasn't coming! Apparently they told Transportation that Eva was to be picked up at the normal spot (pretty much at the end of our street). But the bus lady, in her all-knowingness, decided that no one was ever at that stop and so she wouldn't be stopping there anymore. Thank you very much, we got up at 6am and stood out in 30 degrees for 25 min for nothing!!! IDIOTS!

The school said she can ride the bus home. Okay. I'm on board (haha) with that. I sent a note to Eva's teacher. The front desk told Eva's teacher to make sure she goes to the bus. The front desk told Transportation to drop Eva off at the designated spot. Uh huh. Yeah, it makes me really nervous too. Eva doesn't know where she's supposed to be dropped off. She'll recognize it, sure, but what if...okay, enough. She'll either get off there, somewhere else, or be brought back to school. Haha. No worries. Maybe I should follow the bus home? I'm freaking out! It would be bad enough for a normal 5 year old to think Mom isn't where she should be/SHE isn't where she should be but for a RAD kid? Yikes.

Candy Snarfing in Private
Yesterday when I went to pick up Eva from school she told me all about her day and all about how her computer teacher gave them candy! As she was getting out of the car she said, "I can have my candy after dinner right Mommy?" Happy Mommy! "Yes! Great job for remembering Eva!"

I'm such an idiot.

This afternoon in one of my times sitting on the (closed) toilet, encouraging Michael to pull down his pants, helping him with the diaper, and waiting for him to sit on the potty (M&M to follow), I threw something away in the bathroom trash. Guess what was in there? A Twix wrapper. You know, from the Twix bar that her teacher gave her. Little brat snuck it in there with her at some point and scarfed it!

God. She is SO me.

My new incentive: the bus

2010-11-09T09:24:00.000-07:00

Eva's been begging us to ride the bus since the first day of school. I haven't felt comfortable with it or with her abilities (she's the slowest walking kid and she tends to twirl and stare at the sky a lot) so I've always said not yet. In the past few weeks I've been dropping her off at school and watching her (at her insistence--she doesn't always want me to walk with her) walk down to the play ground and go to her line up place. Depending on what time we get there sometimes I have her go in the front doors. She's always slow slow slow but she gets where she's supposed to go. :-) Yesterday she mentioned that two of her friends ride the bus. There are only two buses so when we saw one of her friends this morning I asked who the bus driver was. Ahha! Same bus! I'm going to use the bus as an incentive for continued good behavior. YAY! She starts tomorrow and I'll be sure to get a picture! Boy is she going to be excited when I tell her!

She and her friend Anna Alicia walked from my car to the front doors of school together--I was SO happy to see her with a friend! They walked, skipped, giggled, ran to the doors--it was great to see! :-)

EXTRA EXTRA!! Huge Candy Corn Head Eats Family!

2010-11-08T11:12:00.000-07:00

I really wasn't sure what to make of this drawing. It came 2 days after Pee Day and all I could think of was, "OMG. Look how huge I am. My head is shaped like a candy corn? Look at my gargantuan teeth. Am I eating my family???" What I said was, "Wow Eva, cool! Tell me about it!" Eva told me that I was the big one, pointed out Michael at the top right, herself at the bottom right, and Daddy was in the middle (the long thin horizontal oval--in his defense he had been gone on a business trip for 4 days!). I asked her what the colorful thing at the top was and she said, "It's a rainsun." I said, "Like a rainbow?" and she insisted, "NO. A rainsun!" Oh. Okay then. I asked her if I was happy or angry. "You're happy! See your teeth?!?" (Thank you God.)

Our RAD therapist thought it was interesting that I was so big and I was the only one with color.

Kid coat hooks

2010-11-08T11:01:00.000-07:00

Ahh...finally a spot for their coats and her backpack! Whoohoo! They are horrible about hanging up their stuff so Brad hung some hooks for me in the front hall. Michael's at preschool today so I was able to finish up the artwork. Too cute :-)

Eva Artwork

2010-11-08T08:38:00.000-07:00

Eva loves to color and draw. Having only done it for a year she's...uh...behind to say the least ;-) Yesterday for the first time, after watching a friend who was visiting, a BODY appeared in her drawing! It's the odd shaped brown triangle in the middle (you know, under the head!) I couldn't be more proud!

Behave! and an anti-RAD bit

2010-11-07T16:33:00.001-07:00

Eva: Mommy! Daddy says if we behave we'll get cake after dinner!
Me: Wow! Aren't you lucky!
Eva: Michael says he's going to behave! And I said I would behave too!
Me: Great! Do you know what "behave" means?
Eva: Noooo...
Me: HAHAHAHAHHA...
Eva: What's so funny?
Me: Behave means being good, do you know what that means?
Eva: Yes!

Hehehehehe, giggle, snort

And just as I was typing this, Eva sat behind me in my chair, wrapped her arms around me and said, "I love you!"

YAY! She's NEVER spontaneously said that.

RAD--A little bit about the therapy session on Friday

2010-11-07T07:40:00.000-07:00

Friday's Therapy Session:

She might pee again because my reaction to it was so "strong" (as the therapist so nicely put it). And because I was angry she may have to try it again just to see what would happen. "Will it push mommy's buttons again? Can I make her as disregulated as I am? Will she still love me no matter what?"
Guess what I'm supposed to do if she pees on the floor again? I'm supposed to say something along these lines: "Wow, you must really be PISSED OFF. Can you tell me what is making you so angry?" and then we're supposed to talk it out. It may take some time.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha

I know, right? Can you imagine? OMG. I hope and pray that I'll be able to do that. I'm working on getting that into my head now. I WILL RESPOND APPROPRIATELY. I WILL I WILL I WILL.

And then I'm supposed to give her rubber gloves and paper towels and she is supposed to sop it up. Hehehe. Is someone telling HER this is going to be the way it works? I'VE been told but has SHE??? Will SHE respond APPROPRIATELY? Oh no. That's up to me to make her do it in a non-screaming, non-threatening way. Me. You know, the one who screamed at her like a mad woman last time she did it. Oh Lord help me. Literally. Please God, please help me. Dealing with large amounts of pee in the carpet from an angry child is really hard for me. Yes, I know, some of you have had to deal with poop in the carpet (or walls, or on or IN your children). I don't even know how you do it. I really don't. I guess if she does it again and I respond appropriately then maybe she won't escalate to poop huh? There's a good reason for me to try really really hard to be calm. LOL

My baby boy is a dog whisperer :-)

2010-11-05T22:20:00.000-06:00

On our walk yesterday Michael would greet every dog he saw (this was an off leash trail so of course I asked if they were kid friendly). At one point we had 4 extra dogs around us and as each one would get near him he would greet it. Each dog got a different greeting: the first one was a beagle and he ran his hand down it's back. The next one was a white terrier/poodle kind of dog and he used both hands to cradle his face and look into his eyes. The next dog looked similar, Michael put his fingers in his mouth and stroked this dog's head softly. The final dog he leaned down and put his forehead on the dog's forehead. The dogs swirled around him and he continued to pet them, let them lick him and sniff him until the owners started to leave. One owner said to me, "Did you see that? He greeted each one like it was special!" I laughed and told her, "A friend of mine calls him the dog whisperer." :-)

RAD--"Have hope. It will get better."

2010-11-04T23:37:00.000-06:00

An amazing sequence of events led to hope today. I feel like I was sent an angel to help me through a rough patch--I was feeling completely hopeless.

My friend Laura and I had set up a hike for this morning at 9:15. I was going to bring Michael, Onya (our Border Collie) and Michael's friend Mason. She was bringing her 5 Border Collies. It's so much fun to watch a pack of six Border Collies hurtling along the trails!

#1--Mason is sick and couldn't make it. (the talk I had probably wouldn't have happened with two boys running around)

#2--Laura texted me this morning and she couldn't make it.

#3--Instead of hiking at the same place I choose another spot, called Coot Lake, where Onya could still be off leash and there was the joy of seeing water the whole way (both for Michael and Onya's benefit :-)).

We started off, Michael and I holding hands and Onya racing around smelling things and smiling.

Within the first 5 minutes we stop to look at the water and a woman with two labs caught up to us. We chatted and I expected her to continue on.

#4--I never "pick up" strangers and walk with them. I'm kind of an introvert. It just doesn't usually feel comfortable to me to chat with strangers longer than a few minutes. I don't talk to seat mates on a plane. Today, this stranger and I walked the whole way together.

The stranger (Roxie) had a chuck-it and she was the go-to-girl for her dogs and Onya--all three ball crazy. We continued to talk about this and that, mostly dog stuff until we get half way around the lake when she tells me she works as a caregiver for developmentally disabled adults. Huh. Interesting. She said she used to be a foster mom for developmentally disabled children. Really? She says she still has someone living with her, he came to her when he was 19 and is 28 now. I asked what his issues were. She said he had a laundry list of initials after his name. I asked her a little more and she gave me a short list ending with saying, "And of course he had lots of attachment disorder issues."

WHAT?? How many times do you run into someone who even knows what RAD is, let alone have someone in their lives who has it??

I told her that Eva was diagnosed with it too. We discussed a little about Eva and her issues including the recent Pee Day. I told her that my therapist thinks that maybe Eva is scared because I've been sick for a month with the never ending cold from hell or that she is actually starting to feel bonded and that scares the heck out of her so she's trying something new/bad to see if I will still love her. Roxie thought that it was likely the latter. I asked her, "Really? Why do you think that?" and she said that when her foster son was starting to bond he would act out in strange ways too. I asked her how she knew he was bonding? She said if you watch, just pay attention, you'll see little things. For her it was things like her son would tell her something that would show his vulnerability or he would allow himself to touch her or her to touch him. At first it was hard for me to get this because I was so focused on the bad Pee Day but it's been slowly sinking in over the course of the day. We've had quite a few really good weeks ending about a week or so ago. Of course they weren't perfect but they were pretty darn good for Eva, (the was the possible bonding time I'm thinking) things have slowly gotten worse, but still not hideous, and finally ended in Pee Day (I feel like I'm starting to love you, will you still love me?...No matter what??)

The other part of this story is that I've been feeling very hopeless. If you read my last blog post, I'm sure you realized this! I even used those exact words with my mom yesterday, "I feel hopeless. This may NEVER get better. And if it doesn't, I'm not sure if I can do this for the rest of my life. Every time I start feeling hope, Eva ruins it. I know she can't help it. What am I going to do?" My inner dialog has been, "You are such an idiot. When will you learn? There is no hope for this relationship." So when this woman told me that her foster son was healed from RAD I was amazed. He started at 19 years old. He had a horrible life, much worse than Eva or at least, much longer than Eva. He and Roxie had 3 really bad years and then he finally started to bond. Things got worse, things got better. He's (as far as RAD goes anyway) back to normal, he makes friends, he's happy, etc. Wow.

As we were saying bye, nice to meet you and all, just as I was walking away, she turns, looks at me and says, "Have hope. It will get better." It wasn't until later when I was thinking about it that it made me cry. What a "coincidence" don't you think? I wasn't even supposed to be at that lake today. It was random that I ended up there. God sent me an angel today. I so desperately needed an angel to tell me, "Have hope."

And I do, yet again.

3:30 Pick up Eva from school. Another teacher said, "Eva, here's your mom!" Eva continued to twirl and stare into space, refusing to look at me. The substitute teacher said, "Is this Eva's mom?!? Oh! I wanted to tell you! Eva has the MOST joy---she is just the happiest kid! She brought leaves to show the class today and wow, she just sparkles! She has the most beautiful eyes!" Raveraverave...

:-)

We walked out of the playground and what was it that we had to pass? Oh yes, The Table of Doom

Eva whined that she wanted to, "just look". Okay, that's fair. We looked at the stuff on the table. As I mentioned before, candy etc. Jeez. How about some peanut butter crackers? Fruit? Juicy Juice as opposed to fruit flavored sugar? Anyway! Onward. Eva whines, "I want to buy something..." I tell her no, as I have the past 49 times. This time I said in an upbeat voice, "We don't eat candy after school silly! Let's go home and have a good snack!" Drumroll please...

Eva burst into tears. LOL

So I told her, "It's okay to cry about it. I know you have some big feelings about this." Validating her big feelings and taking away her I'm-going-to-ruin-everything/I'm-going-to-push-your-buttons-therefore-control-this-situation).

Drumroll please...

Within 5 seconds she stopped crying. Whoohoooo!!! IwinIwinIwin! (mentally dancing for joy)

We got in the car and she and Michael start talking! She wasn't rude to him! She told me that she was going to go home and take a shower, "A shower! I LOVE showers!" No, I'm not kidding and yes, that as well as some other things were all just affectations. As we were getting out of the car at home Eva looked me right in the eye and said, "You're only allowed to pee in the potty, not the floor, right Mom?" I felt this was asked in a one-eyebrow-raised-might-push-your-buttons kind of way but she wasn't being shitty about it so I just exclaimed, "That right Eva! Good job!

Inside she told me, "It's folder day! (Every Thursday the kids come home with a folder of stuff from the week, artwork, notes, worksheets, etc) I have a bunch of stuff to show you! (Pause) I'll show it to you after my shower!" This could have easily turned into an issue if she had insisted we do it right then. But no. Another wow. "What a great idea Eva! That sounds fun!"

Off we went to the shower. I sat on the floor outside the shower, directing when needed. She told me again, "I'm not allowed to pee on the floor, only in the potty." Now, I know she knows this but I feel like it's a possible admission, on her part, to doing wrong. It was said in a different tone of voice than before and she was much quieter about it. I said, "That's right Eva! And you know, I was very angry about the pee on the floor, but I loved you even though you did it." Eva looked at me quietly. I said, "Did you know that? I love you EVEN when you do bad things. I don't like the bad things, but I ALWAYS love you. (Contrary to my feelings at the time, yes, I know.)

Eva took a 30 minute shower, talking and singing to herself and sometimes to me. Seemed like she needed some time to process.

At the end of her shower she said she was done and poked her head around the curtain. She still had shampoo in her hair and I told her to rinse her head again. She did it again and looked out. Still some on the sides. I told her to rinse again. She asked, "Can you help me please?" I had a flash of remembering our therapist talking about her asking for help--how it was a good thing. I realized how often she asks for help and I don't give it to her because she's 5 for God's sake and should be able to do it on her own! Isn't that awful?? Gawd. In my defense for maybe...50% of the time her asking for help is a control thing and not a I-really-need-help-thing. But I've tended to lump them all together into a, "No" answer. Ugh. (Hitting myself over the head now).

I helped her rinse her hair. I look down at her and her eyes are closed in a soft, "ahhh" kind of way. Never seen that before. I gave her a towel. After drying off she asked me for yet another bonding moment, "Can you wrap me up and hold me like a baby?" Are you kidding me? Who is this kid? I put the towel over her head (not face lol) and asked if she would like her arms in or out. She said in. I wrapped the towel all around her, not tight but not loose either, and held her in my lap like an infant (I was sitting). I don't remember if I've said this before but I do this thing (started with Michael and now do it with her too) where I hold them tight and tell them about what they were doing year by year. When I'm done with each year I say, "I would rock you back and forth, back and forth, back and forth and I would sing, "I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be." (you know, from the book I'll Love You Forever) When I do this with Michael he'll look me in the eyes and it's all bondybond. With Eva...well the last time I did it she made the Ape Face turned her head away from me and glanced at me from the corner of her eyes. Creepy. At that time I told her, "Nooooo...look me in the eyes." Well! This time I held her like a baby and did the rock-you-back-and-forth thing and when I said, "I'll love you forever..." she made AND held eye contact for maybe 5 seconds. Wow. She did that several times throughout the whole thing. Amazing. Has NEVER happened without prompting from me. Made me feel all teary but I held it together.

Bed time: I picked her up to hug her and then just held her awhile, swaying, with her head on my shoulder. When I put her in bed I told her again, "I will love you forever Eva. And I know it feels scary and you're not even sure why, but it's okay to love me too." We had kisses and I left the room. I heard something and realized it was Eva crying. I went back in and she holds up both her arms, crying hard. I held her for awhile more and she finally settled down. I got her to smile by being silly and was able to leave and she seemed fine. It's hard to imagine maybe wanting to love someone but having an unconscious feeling that you just CAN'T. So sad.

Tomorrow morning is our appt with our RAD therapist. It's just us without Eva and we'll learn some more parenting tips and tricks.

HAVE HOPE. IT WILL GET BETTER.

RAD--Pee story (because I can't sleep)

2010-11-03T00:57:00.000-06:00

I just kept tossing and turning--couldn't sleep with all this crap in my head.

3:30 Pick up from school. I say, "Let's go home, have a snack and a shower!" Trying to be upbeat. Sometimes works, sometimes doesn't.
3:30:30 Get in car. Michael says, "Hi Eva!" and Eva (as she does every day) ignores him. My heart breaks a little (as it does every day) for my sweet boy.
3:30:35 Eva demands (for the 100th day) to buy something at the table outside the school. I don't know who they are...PTA maybe? But they sell chips, Capri Sun, etc. I give her the same answer I give every day since they started selling there, "No. We'll go home and have a snack." (a healthier snack)
3:30:45 Eva wails
3:32 Eva whines, "I don't want to take a shower. I'm not dirty."
3:32--3:33 Repeats above in a chant.
3:33:01 I tell her she can't speak again until we get home.
3:33:02 Michael realizes the drama is over and starts telling me about things he sees the rest of the way home. We talk about all the different cars on the road.
3:36 We arrive home. I unbuckle Eva while she stares dead eyed ahead. I ignore it and unbuckle Michael.
3:37 Unlock the door. Eva whines that she doesn't want to take a shower. I ask if she wants a snack first. She pulls out a mini pack of M&Ms her computer teacher handed out. I tell her she can have them after dinner. She can have a regular snack now (crackers, fruit, Fig Newmans).
3:38 Screaming crying fit because I wouldn't let her eat candy for snack.
3:39 I tell her to go upstairs and start the shower. She goes up the stairs so slowly I'm not sure she's moving. Every time I look up the stairs she stares back at me defiantly. I breathe.
3:40 I go upstairs to make sure she's getting her clothes off and the water is running. So far so good.
3:41 I go back downstairs and turn on a Sid the Science Kid for Michael to watch (I've done this many times before) while I help Eva. (She says she's washed everything but we've caught her in the lie so I stand there and say, "Wash your face, wash your arms, wash your belly, etc")
3:44 Back upstairs. Eva's clothes are on the floor and she's just closing the curtain. She gives me a bizarre, defiant, hard look. Split seconds here: I walk in the bathroom and notice there is water on the carpet (the sink area is carpeted and the toilet/bath area is hard surface) just as I step on the edge of the...puddle. Really?? WTH? Did she pour multiple dixie cups on the floor? And then the smell hits me. She peed. She peed a huge bladder full of pee right on the carpet. OMFG. It's about 18 inches by 10 inches and it is not damp, it is a puddle.
3:45 I'm sad to say, I lost it. I pulled her out of the shower. I yelled. I smacked her butt. I yelled some more.
3:46 Back into the shower. I stand there with steam coming out of my ears telling her to wash body parts. She looks calm and happy now. She calmly washes at the speed of a snail. I take the soap and wash her head to toe in 2.5 seconds. Dry her and get her lotion on. Put her in her room and shut the door. I can't freak out again.

I know the calm, happy child is because a RAD kid is just doing the control thing and she wants you to flip out so her outside world can match her crazy inside world. That is so sad. I know this. And they push until they get it. It's ever so much fun to be the pushee in this little game. I get comments all the time about how calm I am in the face of the crazy. I FIGHT for that control, that calm. I HATE THESE GAMES. I'm so sick of it all. This pee episode is not the straw that broke the camel's back but that camel's back is definitely becoming a swayed.

I'm so wiped out. I thought things were getting a little better. She's been with us a year. The thought of YEARS of this is horrifying, mind boggling. What if she never gets better?

I don't know. I've known up to this point but today I just don't know. I've never considered disruption before. It did pop into my mind this afternoon. That scares me. The idea that she may not get better scares me. The idea that I may be screwing her up worse scares me. The idea that I may be screwing Michael up scares me. I'm sad for us all. I'm sad for Onya (our sweet dog), who at my raised eyebrow toward Eva will run up the steps and hide under the bed. She's always been sensitive and can't stand loud words.

I've stuffed a lot of fear and ramped up my own hypervigilance in order to keep Michael and Onya safe. I feel like my head is on a swivel and my ears are constantly perked. I cannot relax when Eva is in the house.

Yesterday we were outside playing with friends. Another friend came over with her tiny shitzu puppy. She let her off leash to run. Eva kept chasing her and trying to fall around (in reality, ON) her. Scared me. I told her multiple times to stop. I finally put her in time out. She was very angry. Onya is always off leash too and has learned to stay away from Eva.

Last night the kids and I were going up to bed. Michael was on the stairs, wallering around on the second stair--half crawling up the stairs just fooling around, I turned my back to throw something in the trash. Michael started crying, Eva kept barreling right on by him. Michael was crying and holding his stomach and told me, "Eva stepped on my belly!" She kept going up the stairs like she didn't care. Which she doesn't, because she has no conscious. I was horrified. I took her arm and walked her back down the stairs. I told her she can't step on her brother. I yelled. She cried. Sigh. I'm not perfect. I hate that I can't be. I took Michael up and got him ready for bed and then had Eva go up and she got ready for bed.

This morning we were all getting ready for the day/Eva off to school. Michael comes in rubbing his eye and looking on the verge of tears. My super sonic hearing hadn't heard anything weird. I asked him what was wrong. He says, "Eva spit in my eye." WTH?? Eva was in her room getting dressed. I told her when she finished getting dressed and making her bed she could come out and I closed the door. Much screaming from Eva's room.

Ever since we got her and even more since we've realized that she goes into Michael's room at night I've been freaked out about what she might do to Michael. She's not a healthy kid. I've just realized that my reaction of, "Oh look, she's checking on him." is just hope. And that's stupid of me. So, I'm buying a door alarm. Maybe I'll be able to sleep better knowing if she leaves her room at night I'll always know it. http://www.wanderingalert.com/ProductMenu.html#WA-2

I don't think I ever blogged about that. We thought that Eva was going into Michael's room, turning on the light, and leaving the door open. Luckily he's always been asleep and stayed that way. This last time Mom was here she actually saw her get up, her eyes were open but she didn't appear awake, walk into Michael's room, turn on the light, and leave the door open. Another time I heard her crying at the top of the stairs. I asked her what was wrong and she said she couldn't find Michael. My heart thundering, I raced up the stairs. He was curled up at the very top of his bed. She just couldn't see him when she went in there. Because of this I tried to stuff my fear and pretend she's just looking in on him. Maybe she is. But he's been hurt enough by her I'm no longer going to trust that.

I'm also very sad that I'm not blogging about Michael and how much joy he brings to us every single day (even when he's being a bratty 3 year old! :-)) My life is consumed with the crazy swirling through Eva. Thank God she's in full day kindergarten so I can focus on Michael. Through the day he asks where Eva is and I say, "Where do YOU think?" and he always says, school. At the end of the day he often says he doesn't want to pick her up though. Yeah. You and me both kid.

I'm going to try posting Michael's fun and silly stuff for awhile. Stay tuned for some happy!
A really short one is that I trade preschool mornings with my friend down the street. She has Michael Mon and Fri from 9-12 and I take Mason (who's also 3) Tue and Thur from 9-12. Today was our first day with Mason. We were in the car. I look back and there they are, singing songs and holding hands. That just gave me the biggest grin! :-)

RAD--Pee

2010-11-02T21:59:00.000-06:00

Because I'm still too furious to write about it I'll leave you with Christine Moers's video/song, "What You Do With Pee"

Off to google "RAD, defiant peeing"

I hate this.

Happy Halloween!!!

2010-10-31T20:39:00.000-06:00

Michael looking cute in his fireman costume and Eva talking as usual :-)

Eva is a snow princess :-) I did her hair in little twists with a tiny colored clip at the end and it ended up looking like a crown! Michael can't see...

Why can we never get the two of them looking normal in the same shot?

We trick or treated for two hours!!! Last year Eva had only been here for 5 weeks and Michael was 2. Eva yelled, "Turkey Treat!" This year she was the first at the door nearly every time and talked non stop in between each house. Michael likes to poke along talking about what he sees, looking at the water features in the yards, checking out flowers, the cracks in the sidewalk, petting Onya, etc. He did yell, "Trick or Treat" all on his own though and would say, "Thank you!" We went with a bunch of neighbors and their kids and the neighborhood was a zoo. I've never seen so many kids! They are both zoned out now, asleep in their beds. And yes Mom, I did give them candy when they got home! But only two pieces. I'm an evil, evil witch on Halloween ;-) Luckily they were excited about the two pieces---they are still so, so young.

Still sick...

2010-10-30T19:58:00.000-06:00

A month. A WHOLE MONTH. I'm so sick of being sick. And just when I start really feeling better I take another downturn. After the first week I started feeling better and went shopping on Saturday. Sunday the fever came back. The next weekend I went to Urgent Care and found that I still had a fever. Two weeks of fever, cough, and snot and they decided to give me antibiotics. Damn. I was having a really good run--four years and no antibiotics. Oh well. I started to feel better and got to take my vacation to visit my brother in SC. YAY! Thursday we bought two ultrasonic humidifiers, one for our room and one for Michael's (he's on week three of the same thing--he's on antibiotics now too and doing better already). After much cleaning of the one I was using (it smelled weird) I let it run in the kitchen for awhile. I started feeling odd and several hours later ended up with my upper chest really tight and painful. I left to run some errands and my chest loosened up. Came home and it tightened up again. The humidifier! And now this evening, after a day of cleaning and scrubbing bathrooms...starting to feel crummy again. GOD!

My daughter the exotic dancer...

2010-10-29T11:10:00.001-06:00

No, darn it, I don't have a picture! We've finally finished our basement-yay! Ok, nearly finished...there is an I-beam and a pole that need to be covered with wood and painted. Next to the pole is the preschool table and four chairs. I happened to glance over and there was Eva--she was standing on a chair, hands high on the pole and one leg wrapped around it...

Potty training?

2010-10-14T20:26:00.000-06:00

After reading this post and laughing my ass off Michael decided to repeat something I said recently. "I go peepee on the potty and then I fly on airplane." Well yes, yes indeed! Awhile back I told Michael when he learned to go potty on the toilet I would take him on an airplane to go visit my brother Michael. I really didn't think he would remember it. Then this evening at bed he said his tummy hurt. I asked if he needed to go potty and he said yes. So off we went. He was willing to have his diaper off (wow) and willing to sit on the potty for...get this...15 minutes! Never happened before. We sat and had a whole conversation. He told me several more times that we would be going to fly on an airplane. I asked him who we'd see and he lit up and said, "Uncle Michael!" He sang me a few songs and when I asked him if he had gone peepee yet, he'd say with a twinkle in his eye, "Not yet! Almost!" LOL Just the fact that he was willing to sit there so long is a huge leap for him! Maybe it's finally time!

RAD--some of the things we've been trying...

2010-10-12T22:37:00.000-06:00

It's been an interesting few weeks since I last posted. I've been trying the few things I've read and seen (Christine on youtube) about RAD and they've been working with varying degrees of success but a little bit of working is better than none. "Pickles" is working, but now (check out Christine's video blog post about Nonsense Chatter) I don't have to say anything BUT Pickles and she giggles and stops the nonsense chatter. Wow. A huge improvement!

The other thing I've been doing with a lot of success is to explain the "why" of things. When she asks why, I explain exactly why, as if I'm explaining to an adult. I don't leave things out, I answer exactly what she's asking. If she asks why again I assume she didn't understand the first time and try explaining in a different way. Interestingly I've not had her asking whywhywhywhy like I did before. I no longer say, "Because I said so." I wouldn't say that to an adult so I'm not saying it to her. If the situation calls for the "because I said so" answer I instead tell her why. It's usually along the lines of, "Because I'm tired and I don't want to talk about it anymore." with any number of variations of course. This little gem comes from reading about Indigo children. Eva displays a lot of the traits of an indigo child and from what I read, many, many children do now days which goes along with the whole idea of these children. I don't know if the indigo kid thing is real but I can say that some of the ideas on how to raise them is working for me. If you want to learn more you can read this article (book at the bottom).

I've been working on hugging practice as our therapist asked. Also working! Odd to teach a kid how to hug but really, how do you know how to hug unless you've been hugged a lot? She had a really weird way of asking for a hug before. She would raise her arms above her head, hands tipped at the wrist, half squat, legs bowed, hunch her shoulders and make an ape mouth, head tipped down and slightly sideways, eyes looking up at you. Whoa. Bizarre. Since hugging practice started that whole ape thing is 99% gone. Thank GOD! Every time I saw it I wanted to run in the opposite direction.

Brad says the changes he's making have to do with not allowing her to get away with anything. If she's doing her crazy screaming laughter (forced, not a real laugh) at bed time he says, "Goodnight." and closes the door.

I'm doing more listening and talking with her. If I have the time and she's in a flip out, I sit down with her and ask her if she's angry, sad, or scared. If I sit down with her she's often willing to talk through her tears. I find that amazing since I have problems with that even now as an adult. She most often tells me she's scared. She can't always say why but just getting that much out seems to help her calm down.

Last week she told me that she DOESN'T like to be hurt! Whoohooo!!! Previously she told me that she liked it when she got hurt. She liked it when she fell down, got a swat, had to go to time out. I told the therapist this and she said that it can be normal for RAD kids. Yikes. That's such a scary thought. It all came out one night when she was in the shower and I said, "Be careful stepping into the tub, I don't want you to fall and get hurt." and she responded with, "I like to get hurt." I was so shocked that I didn't even know what to say! So, needless to say, when she told me she DIDN'T like to be hurt I was very happy to hear that!

Life's been feeling pretty normal lately. Of course it's a new "normal" (which includes a lot of extra work on our part) but that's better than completely hideous right? I remember early on I would say we would have 5 days of really truly crappy days and maybe a half to a full day of normal. We're now at 5 days of pretty good and a half to a full day of crappy. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop while trying to enjoy the now--kind of a weird balance.

ART--Back to painting again! Michael, 15 mo, 11.5x10 colored pencil

2010-10-11T13:14:00.000-06:00

Ahhh...the basement is finished and I'm back to painting! I'm SO happy to be able to do what I love again!

The first thing I finished is this colored pencil portrait of Michael when he was 15 months old. It's 11.5x10 and was WAY too much to take on when I wasn't sure if I could get the skin tones right! What was I thinking??? This was the first painting I've done with darker skin tones and it took awhile to make me happy. Many, many layers (around 30) later I finally decided to add some actual black to the mix. I'm not a big fan of plain black since the painting loses some luminosity but I just couldn't get the shadows dark enough (so I thought). Once I was finished I remembered that I had emailed Ann Kullberg (a well known colored pencil artist) about this painting 2 years ago when I first started it. I went and tracked down that email and found a possible way to achieve the darks without using black. I'll try it in the painting I'm working on now. I've started a small colored pencil portrait of Eva that should be done in a couple of weeks. I may post update photos of it so you can see the process. Eva is thrilled that I'm painting her! :-)

RAD--my inner voice

2010-09-28T13:29:00.000-06:00

When I'm living "right" and paying attention, I'm living by my inner voice.

And I've not been.

I've been so discombobulated that when I do hear it I totally freak out and either question it or ignore it completely. Ugh.

In the middle of a screaming fit I sometimes feel Eva needs a hug. I've almost always HAD IT by then and instead of giving her a hug I ignore the voice. Or it's a situation where I question my inner voice, "Is she RADing me and I shouldn't give in to her?"

Michael will manipulate too--it's just kids, but I totally "feel" him. I just KNOW what he needs more often than not. And I'm pretty sure if I were to allow myself to be fully open to my inner voice I'll eventually "feel" Eva too. I'm going to do it and see what happens. And since my inner voice doesn't steer me wrong I'm expecting good things.

It's Funny Feet Friday!!!

2010-09-24T07:50:00.004-06:00

Today is Funny Feet Friday at Eva's school. She has been so excited about this all week. Last night we got out her Crocs that are just about too small and decorated the heck out of them. I want a pair and I want to wear them EVERYWHERE!!!! What's more fun than pink boas, pompoms, pipe cleaners, and paint? Nothing I tell you. Seriously, I may make a pair and she and I can wear them out together. Maybe it will be a bonding experience for us.

RAD-nonsense questions and nonsense chatter

2010-09-23T21:11:00.000-06:00

I've started reading Christine Moers' blog and she mentioned feeling rejected in one of her posts. My first thought was that I couldn't relate. I woke up in the middle of the night though suddenly realizing that it was exactly that.

Rejection of my happiness, my joy, my silliness, and my love. Rejection of who I am.

A couple of the things I've always liked about myself is my ability to find the humor in the littlest things and to find joy in the littlest things as well. I've also found throughout my life that those abilities can bring out the worst in some people. There are those out there that see happiness and just want to squash it. It scares me that Eva might be one of those people. I say might because she definitely IS right now but what if she continues...forever??? How awful.

Yesterday I picked Eva up from school and she started with the "nonsense questions and chatter" (see this if you don't know what that is--basically a nonsense question is when a RAD kid stands right in front of your car and says, "Mom, where's our car?" the chatter is that times x10.) Eva wanted to know why I always brought Michael with me when I picked her up. And why did I bring all the dogs? We're dog sitting two so I had all three in the car. I've eanswered these two questions multiple times before on other occasions. This time instead of answering I asked why she thought I did those things. This is a low level diffusing tactic. What is there to diffuse you ask? Well, in a RAD kid those nonsense questions can quickly spiral into a full blown fit of control. A battle that you don't know why you're having and don't even realize it's a battle until it's too late. It goes something like this:

RAD kid: Why do you always bring Michael to pick me up? Why did you bring ALL the dogs?
Mom: Michael always comes with me because I'm his Mommy too and I take care of him just like I take care of you. The dogs came with me today because I thought they would like a ride in the car.
RAD kid: But why did you bring Michael?
Mom: I just explained that to you.
RAD kid: But whyyyyy? Why did you bring the dogs?
Mom: I just explained that to you.
RAD kid: I didn't want you to bring Michael (preparing to cry)
Mom: (who doesn't know how to save this) It's time for you to be quiet.
RAD kid: I DON'T WANT TO BE QUIET! WHY DID YOU BRING MICHAEL? WHY DID YOU BRING THE DOGS? WHYYYYYY? (Boooohoooohooooo, scream, shrieking the same questions over and over)

Yes, weird I know. It's such an odd thing to experience on a daily basis. She kept asking so I stepped up to level 2 and tried what Christine suggests which was to talk about something silly. Her code word for response to nonsense is "pickles". Talking all about pickles. I couldn't think of anything else off the top of my head and used pickles as well. Eva immediately burst into tears yelling, "Stop talking about pickles!!!" Hmmm--she's no longer in charge and hates it. I then explained that if she asked me silly questions that my response is going to be talking about pickles! Haha! She calmed down. Then started in again with the same two original questions. I tried the ignoring tactic. She ramped up and was nearly yelling, "Why did you bring all the dogs?" over and over. About 20 times later I tried another tactic (another suggestion from Christine who recites memorized bits from when she had to in school) and just started telling her all about a piece of art I worked on years ago. I completely drowned her out and wouldn't let her get a word in edgewise. She finally shut up and stopped trying to interrupt. When I finished my monologue she asked me a question about the art story I had just told her. Oooo I thought, this is promising. I answered. She was quiet for a minute and then in almost a chant started up again, "Why did you bring the dogs?"

O M G

Tried ignoring again. She became more frantic and on the edge of tears. Then I thought of the windows. Sometimes if I roll them down and the wind blows through the car--well it seems to blow the bad right out of the car and the kids can get giggly and silly about it. I rolled them all down. The dogs all lifted their noses. Michael stuck his hand out the window. We were in our neighborhood at this point (the school is only 2.5 miles away) and weren't going fast. Eva changed the chant to a fast, "Roll my window up please roll my window up please roll my window up please." and then burst into tears of rage. I suppose because she tried as hard as she could and hadn't been able to CONTROL for the past 5 minutes. I think the diffusing worked but the lack of control had her absolutely furious. At that point I was exhausted and she'd only been in the car for 5 min!!!
We got out of the car, Eva was still in a screaming fit and I caved and sent her to her room. Score one for Eva (time outs is one of the many things she wants--being away from us means she doesn't have to attach). I don't know what the next step is. Diffuse/take control, they flip out because they don't have the control they "need" and then you do what exactly...? I can't take 2 hours of screaming while she sits in a 'time in'. My only option is to send her to her room. I'll ask the therapist next time--maybe she'll have a way where Eva doesn't win any part of the battle.

What's the difference between allowing the nonsense questions and not? I guess it's if you allow it she wins through the whole "fight" up to the end because I'll send her to her room when I can't stand the screaming anymore. In this instance I continued to fight for control and won it but then she ended up in her bedroom screaming anyway. I guess at least she didn't win the whole battle for control. GAWD.

She was in her room for 2 hours screaming. 2 hours. She would calm down, I'd go up and ask her if she was done. She would stare right at me with a blank look. I'd say, "Yes or no?" We only allow her to use words. Grunts, nods, pointing, or any other form of nonverbal communication isn't allowed. Seems harsh but she uses them all as a way to controlcontrolcontrol. She wouldn't speak to me when I went in so each time I said, "Ok." and closed the door. This happened three times. The fourth time I went in when she was quiet and found her asleep on the bed with tears still on her face. Poor baby. She's such a mess. I pray therapy works for us.

My pantry is breeding

2010-09-20T22:55:00.000-06:00

I've decided: starting tomorrow I'm going to not buy anymore dinner items for the pantry until the stuff I have has been eaten. Pasta, sauce, tuna, rice, risotto, pudding,oatmeal...the list goes in and on and the pantry is getting scarier and scarier to open. I'm starting to peer around the door waiting for something to land on my head.

Loving craigslist

2010-09-20T21:46:00.000-06:00

Sorry, I can't help it :-)

1. Set of 80 year old Mable chairs (Oh dear. It's MAPLE, as in a MAPLE TREE, not your Grandma's name)

2. Wow. It's a feast for the eyes:

She's offering chairs to go along with the couch--they give me the shudders:

3. And my current favorite--the EGYPT ROME STYLE BRANDY SNIFFER:

Sniffer was mentioned several times and Egypt Rome...?

RAD morning

2010-09-19T14:08:00.001-06:00

And not the 80s version ("this is totally rad man!") either.

After two weeks of relative peace Saturday arrived with several hours of Ruining (my word) and tears. "Ruining" consists of taking a normal situation and turning it around until both parents are gritting their teeth in anger, younger brother is either crying or gone inside himself to hide (staring off into space and sucking his fingers), the dog is hiding under our bed, and the RAD child is alternating between screaming in anger and crying in anger. According to the therapist we started seeing on Friday, this is exactly what she wants. She's in control of a situation that she wasn't in control of before. What's so weird to me is that she would rather be unhappy. There are lots of ways to control a situation with lots of outcomes for the controller. But Eva chooses unhappiness and anger EVERY TIME.

Dear God.

At around 6:00-6:30 every morning Michael climbs into bed with us. About 75% of the time he goes back to sleep. About half the time I do too. Brad always does (dammit). Lately Eva has been coming in either at the same time or soon after Michael. On the weekdays it's fine because I need to get up around 6:30 anyway to get everything done before I take her to school. Only so much Ruining can happen in that situation and usually it's not too bad. On the weekends we like to sleep in for a TINY bit--basically as long as Michael will sleep. :-) On rare occasions that's until 8:00 but more like 7:00-7:30 normally (that is if he goes back to sleep when he comes in). If Eva comes in on a weekend morning the first thing she does is wake up Michael by bothering him. Then he's awake and pretty happy with that because he likes to play and if Eva is going to be nice, he likes to play with Eva. Eva has several ways of accomplishing her Ruining a Normal Situation goal: 1. She hurts Michael and makes him cry. 2. She gets Michael wound up with her and they race up and down the hall screaming until we get sick of it and make them stop. 3. Michael will be reading a book (for instance) and will say, "Look! Pine cones!" and Eva will say, "No Michael, I don't see pine cones." and yes, there were pine cones in the book (this has many variations but you get the idea).

So, now she or they are in trouble and we're angry (especially if it involves hurting Michael physically, mentally, emotionally)--and yay she's won again!

Now, you may be thinking this all sounds like a normal family--kids are active and want what they want. RAD kids have honed their skills and they will Ruin nearly 100% of every normal/happy situation in one way or another. Sometimes it will be fully ruined--everyone is extremely unhappy and/or crying. Other times it will only involve one or two of us along with Eva. But basically someone/s, along with Eva is going to be angry/upset.

So, this morning I let her win again because when she came in I told her to go back to her room. Michael was sleeping, Brad was sleeping and I really wanted to back to sleep (couldn't of course because the squirrels in my brain wanted to unscramble the Puzzle of Eva). Why did she win? She won because when I send her back to her room she gets what she wants which is to NOT be attached to the family. So basically she wins a lot by either pissing everyone off or being sent to her room.

Our job this week is to watch each situation and see what she's getting out of it and see how we can lessen her "wins" because obviously her wins involve isolation (time outs) and Ruining (upsetting the family) neither is good for her and her lack of attachment and of course it sucks for the rest of us too.

Michael :-)

2010-09-18T09:22:00.000-06:00

Michael is turning into quite the character:

I get out the washcloth to wash Michael's face (he hates that)--I'm wetting it with warm water and Michael looks at it and goes, "Ohhhh maaaan!"

Eva is in her room with the door shut doing her forced wail. Michael is in his room. He opens his door yells, "waaa waaaaaaa waaaaaaa STOP CRYING!!!" and slams his door closed!

Ever since my Aunt Katy and Mom were here Michael asks for fried eggs. Katy made them a couple of times for him and he loved them. When I've made them in the past? Not so much. But there is a little Katy magic thrown in :-) I remember when I was a kid and my brother Michael and I were at Katy's house for dinner. Her hamburgers were THE BEST! LOL I can still taste them!

CL-The Deer Feet Coat Rack

2010-09-15T09:40:00.000-06:00

I've been on craigslist a lot lately looking for various antiques for the house. I'm selling off all the stuff I don't want and replacing it with pretty antiques instead. There are some amazing deals on CL. There are some amazing, beautiful antiques on CL. Then there's stuff like this.

"This is an antique oak coat and hat rack. It has deer feet and brass hooks. It came from
a Montrose, Colorado ranch. It is 5'6" high. It is a true conversation piece."

A "true conversation piece...has deer feet coat hooks"

Recoiling in horror...can you imagine a guest going to hang their coat only to look up at the last minute to find an upside down deer foot as their hook??? I'd run screaming from the house for fear that MY feet would be this guy's next "conversation piece"!

RAD Update

2010-09-15T09:35:00.000-06:00

The first two weeks of kindergarten were hell on earth (multiple major meltdowns over nothing every day after school--the screaming made me want to scream). But then...week three hit. Whoa.

It's a miracle--Eva is remarkably better! We're in the middle of week four now and she's saying, "Excuse me!" when she accidentally runs by and crashes into one of us. Yesterday she stepped on Brad's bare foot, he said, "Ow!" and she said, "I'm sorry Dad." This morning she said (without me prompting), "May I have some juice and vitamins please?" OMG. I rave and she gets this huge smile :-)

Of course she still has her meltdowns but they aren't as often. Huge sigh of relief. We start therapy on Friday with a woman here in Longmont who works with RAD kids.

Kindergarten is going swimmingly. She loves to go and she loves to tell us all about it when she gets home. Her artwork is improving, her English is improving, everything is improving.

As always I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop lol. Oh well. I'm going to enjoy her joy while I can!

Thank you to all the moms who responded to my original RAD post. It's good to know that I'm not alone.

Reactive Attachment Disorder and what I learned today

2010-08-29T22:59:00.000-06:00

I've not been blogging much in the past year and that's because we've been going through a lot of crap since Eva came home. Remember that saying, "If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all?" I've not been able to say anything nice so I haven't been blogging. What I SHOULD have been telling you about is Michael and how great he's doing. So much change and he's just the most fun kid ever. :-)

In other news: I found a site today that explained more about RAD. The only thing I ever could find about it before was stuff like, "OMG--my kid burned my house down!" and I couldn't relate. Needless to say after learning all I did today I'll be tracking down therapists and help starting tomorrow.

So--here's the 'not nice' things I've not been talking about for the past year:

Something I read online that I could relate to: "I suppose the worst behaviors were the defiant ones - bossiness, arguing, and sassiness." What is up with the bossiness? Everything is a demand in just the perfect tone of voice to make you grind your teeth in fury and it's only 7am, "Juice!" on a good day it's, "JUICE PLEASE!" The way it sounds is, "God dammit, NOW bitch!" How many times have I calmly stated, "How do you ask?" only to be met with a blank stare. "If you can't ask for it nicely then you can't have anymore." About half the days I get a giggle and, "May I have some more juice please?" which proves that she knows exactly what I'm talking about. The other half I get an unintelligible whisper and a continuing blank stare. I just look calmly back at her waiting for the correct response. When I get none I put the juice back in the fridge which of course brings on the tears and hacking sobs that she forces out. Wails of, "Juice! Juice! Juice!" pierce the air. Again I ask for the nice way to ask. Finally I get a barely audible whisper, "May I have some more juice please?" Much praise and all is well in Eva's world again. I on the other hand am silently dealing with my fury over the constant need to "deal" with this child--I know this situation will play out 20 times in the next 12 hours. I pray I can get through another day without screaming at her.

What is Reactive Attachment Disorder?

Reactive Attachment Disorder is a condition where individuals have difficulty forming loving, lasting intimate relationships. They do not trust anyone other than themselves to provide for their needs and safety. These individuals often fail to develop a conscience; do not feel empathy, and having genuine affection for people or pets is beyond their reach.

I haven't been able to develop a conscience in Eva yet, it's pretty scary. Scary to talk to her about why you don't hit Michael or Onya. How Michael is the only little brother she'll ever have and it's not okay to hit him. 99% of the time she refuses to look at me, instead playing with a toy, looking at a book, etc. She interrupts me to tell me something about her doll or what the book is about. I take away the thing she is ignoring me with and she goes back to her default: the blank stare.

Children with reactive attachment disorder can be divided into four categories:

Eva is in RED--she's obviously The Anxious Child and Ambivalent Child with bits of the others thrown in.

The Ambivalent Children –

-Are angry (some, this is gaining momentum), defiant (has been defiant off and on since she came home-hard to know what triggers it) & can be violent. (Some--She has broken some of her toys in a rage. She has broken several of Michael's toys--those broken things happen in a very sneaky way. It's creepy. Of course it's always something Michael really likes.)

-Will push affection away to keep control (this happened a lot in the beginning, much less now)

-Are destructive both with their own belongings and others (see above)

-Are extremely difficult children to parent because they sabotage or destroy almost everything positive that happens to them. It's unbelievable how many times we think, "Oh! This is going to be so much fun! The kids are going to LOVE xyz" Michael, as always does great. Eva ruins it EVERY TIME. Shocking. We are idiots to continue to have hope that SOMETHING is going to go right. IDIOTS. And yet we still try. And are disappointed every time. Slowly we're learning to not have hope that it will be okay, it will be fun. It will be awful--sometimes it's just a bit awful, sometimes it's a full blown awful fit--but it's always something. A special trip to a store for a toy? Never fun. Someday we will just stop trying completely I guess. I still do things with Michael while Eva is at school. Michael and I have fun together! Everything is new and interesting with him. Of course there is the constant underlying guilt that I don't feel the same with Eva and the fear that I may NEVER feel the same with Eva.

-When they want something, they act very affectionate. (Oh yeah. "Mom? When you're done with your breakfast, can we go outside, play frisbee with Onya, and go for a walk please?" This from the child who can't ask for juice nicely. Many many examples of this one!)

-Have few friends if any, although they will say they do, listing several acquaintances – keep friends only for a short time

-Lack the ability to give and receive love

-Lack empathy for others (Definitely) – often cruel to animals (Some-I watch closely) and other children (Often-I watch closely. To Michael--she seems to think it's her right. Also--a friend runs an in home daycare. One child she has is annoying to everyone, adults included and Eva preys on him--I see it getting worse every day and I have to watch her like a hawk. I actually saw the boy laying on the ground and Eva kicking his leg repeatedly the other day. I was so shocked I could barely get words out fast enough--she got in several kicks before I could yell! I fear that attitude will transfer to Michael.)

The Anxious Children –

-Tend to be overly clingy, showing extreme separation anxiety when separated from their mothers (this is much better now)

-Incessantly chatters to control conversation (Dear God please make her stop--it's so completely draining. This is NOT normal 5 year old chatter. No one can get a word in. Michael in particular. As soon as Michael says ANYTHING she's in full swing, "Mom! Watch me! Mom! What are you doing! No Michael! I'M talking! No Michael! There isn't a plane (when he points one out and yes, it's really there) No Michael! There wasn't a blue balloon--just red and white balloons! (there were blue balloons) No Michael! That's not a red car! (yes, it was)." And on and on and on...It's not always a thing with Michael (because eventually he stops trying to talk--thank God for full day kindergarten--Michael has time to talk now!) it's often just non-stop chatter at the top of her lungs. She's always very very loud. When we make her stop talking so Mommy and Daddy can talk or Michael can talk she constantly butts in. Me: "Eva. I'm not going to ask you again. Next time you'll have to go to time out." brings on angry silence or a time out when she refuses to comply. When Eva gets going Michael usually sticks his fingers in his mouth and stares off into space. It's killing me. I have to manage her 24/7. Michael has taken to running up to me, wrapping his arms around me and saying, "MY Mommy." I want to hug right back and say, "MY baby." This was not supposed to be this way. I don't want to feel this way about Eva but she makes it nearly impossible to love her or even like her.

-Appear to be eager to please and are superficially compliant. (Others see her and think she's a great kid, that she's just like every other kid. "Yeah, all 5 year olds are like that..." is common to hear)

-Are often passive aggressive, constantly doing little things wrong, but never doing anything really bad, but frazzling the parents patience and control. (It's nearly impossible to "catch" her doing things right. And when you do and praise her, there is often zero response and she goes right back to doing wrong things again. It's bizarre. How about this for weird? In the mornings is when Eva and Michael get along best. If I make the mistake of saying, "Wow you guys, you're getting along so great! Thank you! I'm so proud of you both!" Within seconds of saying something like that Michael is in tears. It happens every time. EVERY time! It took me several times to recognize it but now I don't say anything when they are getting along.)

-Usually recover faster than those in the other categories (YAY!)

The Avoidance Children –

-Are often overlooked as they are very compliant, agreeable & superficially engaging,
-Lack depth to their emotions & functions – robotic like, not genuine or real in emotional engagement.
-Don’t enjoy being around others because they don't feel safe.
-Are Omnipotent – believing that they can care for all their own needs by themselves, and do not need others, especially their mothers.
-Are sullen and openly oppositional, but mostly in a passive aggressive way. (Some, increasing)

The Disorganized Children –

-Have highly disorganized behaviour and a bizarre showing a variety of symptoms.
-Hide anger deep inside, they are easier to deal with, harder to treat.
-May have atypical psychosis, bipolar disorder, and other neurological disorders.
-Often will have mental illness in the family history.
-Are excessively excitable (other RAD children are usually moody.) (She's both. God forbid you let her get wound up or wind her up because she won't come out of it well. Eventually it will be time to settle down--she won't. It WILL end up in a temper tantrum when you insist she settle or in a crappy mood or in an openly oppositional mood. All are SO much fun. We have this fun book called Tickle Monster--all about a cute monster that likes to tickle your knees, your feeties, your arm pitties! I won't even read it to Eva because it won't end well. I can read it to Michael, we'll laugh and tickle and then settle down with no problems so I know it's actually possible!)
-Are most difficult to treat in therapy because they have so many different problems and often require medication and out-of-home care.

Other Signs & Symptoms
Reactive Attachment Disorder Children may also have these symptoms: lack of conscience development, lack of eye contact except when lying, will not give or receive affection (hugs & kisses), no impulse control, abnormal eating patterns (gorging, hoarding, etc.), constantly making noise of some kind (the incessant chatter from above), pacing, and unusual speech patterns (mumbling, robotic, talking softly)

Do not leave RAD children in the care of adults that will allow the child to manipulate them. No child will trust and respect others who are weaker than them; this includes grandparents, childcare, teachers, etc. Weak caregivers will just reinforce your child’s belief that adults cannot be trusted and they can only depend on themselves for survival. (She had her preschool teachers totally fooled--they thought she couldn't even speak! They were shocked to find out she could speak in full sentences! At school she only communicated in grunts and pointing. My Mom--she wants to be the fun grandma so she doesn't discipline, leaving that up to us. I totally understand too! However Eva just steamrolls over people like that--I know because I was that person early on. She'll make your life a living hell. She did it to us and she did it to my parents while we were visiting NC.)

The strains a Reactive Attachment Child puts on your family can be enormous.

Effects on the Family of a RAD Child

-Dreams of the perfect loving, caring family are squashed. There is no such thing as perfect family, but a RAD family can become quite dysfunctional.
-A RAD child will play one parent off the other, which could result in a rift between parents.
-Siblings often feel ignored or overlooked as the RAD child takes up so much of the parent’s time. Schedule, daily or weekly, one-on-one quality time for each child in the family.
-Friends, family, church members become critical of parenting and attitude. (So, true.)
-Due to child’s disruptive behaviour, parents often withdraw from social functions. (How can you not?)
-Siblings and pets can often be targeted and threatened. It is extremely important for RAD children to have their own room - for their own good as well as the safety of siblings. (No wonder why I worry about this so much--there's a little bit of it with Onya and we've all seen it with Michael. Eva is NOT a nice person a lot of the time.)
-Family events, like Christmas, can be filled with anger and frustration due to RAD behaviour. (This summer-6 weeks in NC)
-Parents appear to be unfair, strict and sometimes hostile, as parenting skills used with healthy children do not work with RAD children. (I definitely feel hostile)

Lectures, warnings, hollering, bribes, second chances and reminders do NOT work. You are wasting your time and breath. Your child knows the rules he or she just refuses to obey your rules.

Remember – his or her actions are often automatic responses learned from infancy. Your child is in their element when you have lost your control!

Avoid control battles! Your child wants to control you, even if it means making you angry and them being disciplined. No one wins and you will end up frustrated. Try, “When you clean your room properly, you can have ____,” (lunch, playtime, etc.) –whatever fits the daily schedule.

Never believe your child, “Honest, Mom, I’m telling the truth! Why won’t you believe me, you never believe me!” Don’t let that sway you; your child is one of the best liars around.(It is completely shocking to see a five year old lie so convincingly) Should a miracle happen and you later find out your child was telling the truth; look them in the eye, apologize sincerely and reward – perhaps with a favourite dessert/comic/hug. If you find that more and more your child has told the truth, then you can start to let your guard down.

When giving compliments give them in ‘now’ time. “You showed great sportsmanship today!” or “You did a really good job on the dishes. Thank you.” Do not be surprised when your child sabotages these good moments. (I still am surprised--every time.) This is their only way of regaining control of their environment. Until they learn to trust you, this is their safety net.

Disciplines and punishments should also be in the ‘now’ time. Groundings for the week(s) may sound good to you but your RAD child lives in the ‘now’ mode. Cause and effect are not easily understood, if at all.

School starts today!

2010-08-23T12:52:00.000-06:00

Yes, I know, I know, you all are laughing out there. I DID say I was going to homeschool Eva after all. That was at the end of her preschool time when I found out that she had spent the entire time in preschool NOT SPEAKING AT ALL--while of course talking a mile a minute at home. Well after being in NC for 6 weeks and taking weeks to straighten out her nasty ass attitude (which never completely got fixed) after that I decided, screw this--enjoy kindergarten! She's on a waiting list for one of the local charter schools so I put her in "regular" school until something happens with the charter. Although if they only offer 1/2 day at the charter I'll probably pass and join the lottery for 1st grade.

On a happy note for Eva, she's been very excited and as usual talking non-stop about kindergarten and her new friends! She was a little nervous this morning when I started to leave her kindergarten room but I think at the end of the day I'll pick up a smiling kid. I've been on Facebook today and it's been fun to see all the moms celebrating the first day/s of school and their freedom from their crazy making children! I don't feel like the world's worst mom after all! LOL

My life with Eva

2010-08-18T09:52:00.000-06:00

Me-trying to get them to clean up toys before a visitor: Eva, pick up those 3 cards on the floor over there.
Eva: There aren't 3 cards! There are FOUR cards.

Eva: Where are we going?
Me: To an indoor playground called the WOW Museum, it's going to be so much fun!
Eva--whining as usual: I don't waaaaanna go to an indoor playground! I want to go to an OUTDOOR playground (now almost in tears).

Me: What do you want for lunch?
Eva: I want a peanut butter and jelly bagel.
Me: Ok. Michael do you want a peanut butter and jelly bagel too?
Eva: I DON'T WANT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY BAGEL!!! (in tears)
Me: Ok. What do you want?
Eva: I WANT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY BAGEL!!!!!! (boo hoo hoo)

Dear Lord, please keep me from beating my daughter senseless---jk...mostly ;-)

Kid height

2010-07-29T18:08:00.000-06:00

I've been cleaning out the basement (yes, I've done this more than once) trying to get it ready for homeschool central this fall. I found Eva's referral papers and was amazed how tiny she was! At 3.5 years old she was 33 inches tall. When Michael was 14 months old he was 32 inches tall! Holy smokes!

She's 43 inches tall now (two years later)--grown 10 inches in two years! Michael is 38.5 inches tall now.

Eva's referral pic--doesn't she look a LOT younger than 3.5???:

Mini Me

2010-07-28T12:55:00.002-06:00

We were getting ready to leave this morning to go to the grocery. I have my purse over my shoulder, keys in my hand, sunglasses on top of my head. I turn around and there's Eva: pink purse over her shoulder, keys in hand, and sunglasses on top of her head. LOL

Happy 8th Birthday to Onya!

2010-07-23T23:33:00.000-06:00

Hanging out under my desk, waiting for me to throw her head ;-) (yes, that is a decapitated tiger head under her paw).

From June 30th

2010-07-23T17:24:00.000-06:00

My brother, aunt and I went out at 6am :-)

From June 5 park and home

2010-07-23T17:16:00.000-06:00

The updates begin...June 2, 2010 pics from Grandma's house

2010-07-23T17:09:00.000-06:00

Big Trip Day 4

2010-05-30T14:29:00.000-06:00

What a great day! The kids had a blast with the cousins (or couNsins as Eva says). Here's the day in pictures:

Michael playing with Cousin Riley and the pups.

Cousin Kasey painting Eva's nails!

My favorite thing of the night: Kasey told Eva, "And you know, the BEST thing is that it comes in EVERY COLOR!" and Eva goes, "Oooooooo!!!!!" They're orange this time :-)

And matching toenails too of course!

Uncle Jim teaches Michael to play Ladder Golf.

Cousin Riley and Michael--he's SOOOO tired! They didn't get to sleep until midnight! I know, bad Mommy--but it hardly ever happens--promise!

Big Trip Day 3

2010-05-28T21:19:00.000-06:00

This morning Michael was wandering around in our hotel room with his 'poop face' on--if you're a parent you know what I mean (he's still in diapers). He walked into the opening of the closet. I walked by as we were packing up, stopped, looked at him and said, "Are you all done?" Michael holds his arm out, palm toward me (in a back-off-and-leave-me-alone stance) and says very seriously, "Almost done." Haaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

This is the BIGGEST cross I've ever seen. Right outside of Effingham, IL.

Effingham.

EFFINGham! LOL

Brad and I joked about the teens in Effingham--how they must be saying, "I'm NEVER going to get out of God damned EFFINGham." (Sorry Effinghammers, I'm sure you live in a lovely town adorned by massive crosses but your town's name kind of cracks me up.)

BTW, we later saw the exact same cross at a church in Ohio.

Eva loves her headphones but hasn't quite figured them out yet...She just grabs them and jams them on her head.

Oh yes, we are THAT family. Both the kids have an iPod Touch. They've been a lifesaver on this trip. They love to watch Dora and Diego on them and quiet kids on a trip is the goal. Yelling, "SHUT UP!!!" is a no-no so this is much better ;-) In our defense I must say that the one Michael is holding is my first generation iPhone (from 3 years ago) that has a new battery and has been turned into an iPod Touch in it's old age. The one Eva has is Brad's old iPod Touch that he had 2 years ago before his job allowed him to have an iPhone. So, see? It's all okay. We didn't go out and spend $250 a piece on the kids. Although it would have been worth it to have the silence...

Today Hallie (she's a girl Hal--and if you don't know who Hal is you should go look it up and then watch the movie) our GPS box was acting up. Telling us wrong directions, annoying the hell out of us. Brad thinks she's ticked off at us because she's warned us that we needed to update our maps and we haven't yet. He thinks she's adding random wrong directions just to spite us ;-)

Today was a good travel day for us. The kids did great (with the help of the iPods or 'iPop' as Michael calls it--he also calls chips "pips" too cute). We're in Ohio tonight--staying until Monday morning when we leave for NC. We're here to visit Brad's side of the family--can't wait to see them all tomorrow!!!

Big Trip Day 2

2010-05-27T19:09:00.001-06:00

Other than a half hour this afternoon of whining (both of them), crying (both of them), and Eva hitting Michael with her blanket while he was sleeping--things went great today ;-) The Hell Half Hour was just before this--zonked babies:

We saw this from a distance:

What is it? From further away it looked like a truck pulling white coated men--weird. Huh. As we got a little closer I thought it was a trailer full of barricades...

Then we got a little closer and realized it was a trailer full of horses! 12 matching plaster horses.
Curiouser and curiouser...

The Big Trip!

2010-05-26T22:53:00.000-06:00

We've been planning this trip for about 8 months and the big day is here! :-)

We drive for 3 days arriving in Ohio on Friday night to visit Brad's family--the kids are excited, Eva especially since she's not met them yet. Spending Sat and Sun in Ohio. Monday morning we take off for NC--driving straight through to get there that night. Onya is with us! Brad flies back home on Wed and the kids, Onya, and I stay at my Mom and Dad's house for the next month--yay! Brad flies back to NC toward the end of the month and we all go to this fab beach house I found for the July 4 week. What a great trip!

Today we got going at 11am. The kids were unbelievably AWESOME the whole day! Rest stops, restaurants, etc all like they've done this before--what in the world? We stopped at a great grassy rest stop to let everyone get some steam out. Chased the kids and let Onya play frisbee.

Funny things said today:

In the car Eva said, "Wait, I hear something! (big pause) Grandma (my mom) says, 'Hurry up!'"
Michael as we're driving away from home, "Airport? Airport?" (I think he was hoping we would fly LOL)

In the restaurant for dinner I asked Michael to tell me the letters of the restaurant on his menu. I pointed to the T and he said, "No! I do!" and proceeded to spell out TIMBERLINE about as fast as I would!

Eva in the restaurant bathroom (Snort giggle--I just laughed and laughed about this in the stall):
"Come out poopoo!
Poopoo is sleeping
It's sleeping inside me!
I have 3 poopoos
1...2...3!
All done!"

Puppy Meg comes to visit

2010-05-20T10:32:00.001-06:00

Laura's 12 week old puppy was visiting us yesterday--so cute. She reminds me a lot of Onya when she was a baby. Busy busy busy. Onya, the pup, and the kids did great together! Meg is a big fan of 'keep away' and Onya was happy to oblige-chasing her all around the backyard. Michael is a big fan of all animals and they love him right back--he's so so gentle with them--I wish I could have caught the moment of him laying his head on Meg's back. I half expected her to be a puppy and give him a lick or maybe even a nip with those sharp puppy teeth but she didn't. She seemed to enjoy him as much as he did her.

Her preschool put sunscreen on her ;-)

2010-05-07T16:42:00.000-06:00

Whoops. LOL. The joys of a whitey-white preschool. There must be a sunscreen that can be used for black kids--anyone know of any? I don't use any normally but when we're at the beach all day this summer we might need to!

Thursday pics

2010-05-06T16:41:00.000-06:00

Nichole was here last week and showed me some basics of working in Manual mode on my DSLR camera--which I've never done before! Lots to learn but I'm having fun fooling around with it :-)

Michael playing the parachute game--I've never caught this face before--so excited! :-)

A few pics of the kids from the last couple of days

2010-05-05T22:14:00.001-06:00

We have PB&J?

2010-04-25T22:55:00.001-06:00

I'm told Dad needs to write his own posts. After leaving Julia solo for 7 days while I worked and played in California, I can do that. I can also take care of lunch while she runs away to a movie the day I get back.

Eva informed me countless time this morning that we were out of crackers and PB&J. Julia was actually trying to force a little variety in their diets this past week. I barely remember what they will eat for each meal and I wasn't in a creative mood, so Eva was getting PB&J. I survived on PB&J, how bad can it be?

So, I take a slice of bread PB one half, J on the other, and fold. I ask, "Eva, how many sandwiches do you want?" "Two!" is the answer, so I cut it in half (young minds can be so easy). Lunch goes on, Michael doesn't eat anything and concludes by spilling his milk on the floor, again. Eva eats like a champ, takes her PB&J sandwich apart and eats the entire mess.

Finally, I'm cleaning up the kitchen (the floor was first). I carry the jars of PB&J to the fridge. Eva sees them and finally declares "Daddy, we have more peanut butter and jelly?" Easy but very observant young mind!

Day 3 of POURING rain

2010-04-23T10:35:00.000-06:00

Poor worms...

Poor us. Stuck in the house. I need a SAD light.

57 Lives SAVED!!!

2010-04-22T17:10:00.000-06:00

Worm lives that is. The kids and I went for a walk after Eva got home from school today. It started raining last night and pretty much hasn't stopped all day today. Finally this afternoon part of the sky cleared so we thought we better get out while we could. The rain brought the earthworms out by the dozens! The kids pointed them out to me and I scooped them up and put them in the grass. I asked if they were like Diego and Dora--helping the earthworms get home to their families--they liked that idea a lot ;-)

Of course after 57 bend and scoops I was a bit sorry that I mentioned it... lol

Did you know worms piled together like this? We didn't!

Did you know that flower petals litter the ground after a rain? Woooooow!

Kids are so cute.

This is what dandelions look like normally...

This is what they look like after Michael and Eva carry them around in their hands for 40 minutes :-)

This was the first time Michael has picked flowers. He would save one for him and give one to me--too sweet.

During our worm hunt when he would see a worm before us, he would get all excited, bend over it and yell, "MOM! WORM!" and wiggle his hands. When I squatted down next to him to scoop it up he would pat my back a couple of times as if to say, "Good job!"

Pics from earlier today. It's nearly impossible to get Michael to look at the camera nowadays!