Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Holy Pooping Terror

For fear that you are eating a meal when you read this I will post the photos further down. I'm warning you now, if you are easily grossed out you should:
a. not have a baby
and b. go read a different blog

I should start with the fact that Brad went back to work today. It's my first day all by myself with the Holy Pooping Terror.

I had fed Michael a bottle and he was swinging gently in his swing. All was right with the world. Then the grunting started. Now, normally this would not strike fear in my heart...

I take him upstairs to change him.

(Cue scary music, possibly the theme to Jaws)

I lay him on the changing table.

There is a huge palm sized wet spot on his belly that had not been there when I picked him up. It's brownish. Oh my God, I squished his diaper when I carried him upstairs. Holy shit. Literally.

I unzip his jammies, unsnap his onsie and find...























It's also down his left leg. Notice how he looks? Happy as a clam. Not a care in the world. Unlike me, who is trying not to gag.

Okay, okay. Calm down. You can do this. The pep talk works and I decide, after surveying the disaster site, rubber gloves are in order. I put them on and begin peeling his soaked onsie up and then I realized two things:
1. I have to share this with all my friends and family! So, like a good blogger, I strip off my gloves and take a photo with my iPhone.
and
2. There is no way in hell that I'm going to drag that poopie onsie over my son's head.

So, I find a pair of scissors and dissect the onsie. Cutting first from belly to neck (carefully of course) and then cutting the sleeves from shoulder to end of sleeve so the whole thing just falls off of him.

At this point Michael got excited and started clapping his feet together, thus spreading the poo to both legs. Excellent.

I got the diaper off and instead of putting it into the diaper pail, stuck it into a ziplock bag. I look over at Michael and he has decided that now is a good time to pat his tummy, further spreading the toxic waste onto his chest and other hand. Luckily I caught him before he stuck his fingers back in his mouth.

Then the wiping began. A bad diaper is what I call a '5 wipe diaper'. This was a 15 wipe diaper...at least.

All was finally cleaned up and deposited neatly:























I promptly took him downstairs and gave him a nice warm soapy bath in the kitchen sink. Also a first on my own.

Trial by fire man.

25 comments:

Joy said...

You are so funny - and yes a very good blogger :)! I am afraid you will need to buy a lot of onesies because babies "explode" a lot. I am so happy for you. I know you must just love having your baby home!

Julia & Brad said...

Luckily I found that my favorite consignment store sells onsies--3 for $.50! Thank God, because if what you say is true, I see more onsie dissection in my future.
Julia

LISA said...

Julia, I definetly have to show this to Shawn!!!He thinks changing poopy diapers will be no problem!!! Hee Hee!!
I LOVE your solution though!! That's funny!
Ohhh,and i wish we had a consignment store that inexpensive around here!

Chris said...

Julia, I love you and your blog!! You make me laugh and cry and usually some how within the same post. As I read your words "Holy Pooping Terror", I felt the depth of love that you have for your dear sweet Micheal. Yes, that happens from time to time that is true! Some day you will look back fondly at this moment that is disturbing you at the present time. Give that little pooping terror of yours a big kiss for me and tell him I said he is a lucky guy!! We love you all! Thanks for sharing, the good, the bad, and the not so pretty moments of your parenthood travels with us. Hugs, Christine

SisterMom said...

Sometimes I go to change Addis and I just have to sit down and work up the courage to get started. Im like this isn't even my kid how did i get stuck cleaning up poop blow outs up to my sister's neck WHILE SHE IS WEARING A CLOTH DIAPER. those are the really fun days. WE WANT TO COME AND VISIT!!!

niclupton said...

hahahahaha - I have been waiting for this moment! (And you know it!) I'm glad you survived, all future germs will now not seem as bad.

Julia & Brad said...

You guys, your comments keep me going :-)

Miranda--I've decided for now anyway, that I will continue using disposable diapers--I just can't deal with cloth right now!

We want you to come visit!!!!

Did you read this post? :

http://juliamacmonagle.blogspot.com/2008/02/in-order-to-help-you-plan-your-visits.html

Julia & Brad said...

Ok, that didn't work--scroll down on the main page of my blog--it's a post called, In order to help you plan your visits

So, when are you coming?

Lisa said...

GOOD LORD!!! So much poop!! I really should not see things like this right now... I can still run!! lol You rock Julia!!
~Lisa W.

Cari said...

Julia, that was hilarious, I burst out laughing when I read that you put on rubber gloves! The photos brought back memories of Bella's babyhood. I think this certifies that you are officially a mom!

I would suggest trying the next size up in diapers to help the blowout problem.

Cari said...

By the way, what is your favorite consignment shop? Is it UOAC? I've heard the one in Longmont is good.

Melissa said...

Julia, you are too funny. I can't believe you cut off the onesie. I have three kids already and I never thought about doing that. I'll file that away for when we bring Kirubel home. Thanks for the laugh! Melissa

Sandee said...

Oh, that's an itty bitty blowout....you will survive worse. Really....and then wait for the time you are holding him up above your head, enjoying his smiling giggles, in public and then his formula comes back up and showering down....

Oh yes, the ooey gooey joys!

Kim said...

told ya!!!
Love Kim

Rebecca said...

Good Lord, woman!! What the hell was that for? You trying to make me run for the hills before I make my trip to Ethiopia? I can hardly wait to show Dave!! :)
P.S....I'm so tickled that you found each other....I can feel the love from here.

Renee said...

Julia! You had me totally cracking up! Now you make me see what we have to look forward to :) LOL. I'm so happy for you!

Renee

Wilson's said...

Ben and I were both cracking up at this post! I love that he put his hand in it, a true boy! Wait till this happens in public...and leaks through onto your clothing too! You should carry scissors in your purse just incase, and a change of clothes for both of you! I love the plastic gloves...you are too funny!

Julie said...

Try that on a plane - 3 times in 2 hours. Then we'll talk :-) Can you imagine trying to do all that in a airplane bathroom. My son (then 6 months, now 8) was down to a onesie and socks when we stepped off the plane to visit a friend in CT - in the middle of winter. I was sure I had packed enough changes of clothes in the diaper bag. Oh well. Live and learn!

P.S. My husband would have cut the onesie off too :-)

Julia & Brad said...

It happened once on the plane but it wasn't nearly as bad--a full change of clothes but nothing that had to be destroyed. It wasn't too bad, I had running water in the bathroom! I wish I had a bathroom that I could place a changer in.

Brad used to be an EMT. He's going to find me his EMT shears, just in case. You know the kind that are designed to cut through just about anything and you don't have to worry that you're going to cut the person. Might be a good thing that I own a pair of those ;-)

Nikko and Matt said...

You had me laughing so hard I was crying. Or was I crying because I know that will be me soon? Actually, that is so what my husband will do.

Holly Wilgers said...

Oh Julia!!! That's so funny! That looks like a "breast-fed" baby's diaper!!! Talk about explosive!

Shonah said...

That is so funny, of course had it happened to me it would not be funny until later, after the recovery. I remember those explosive poos and not very fondly:) You are doing great!

Roze said...

Gosh that was so hilarious, bought back awful memories of my two up to the same tricks as babies. My now two year old went a step further (much to my hubby's amusement) when he decided to shoot poop at me just as i had opened his nappy. Hubby rolled around with laughter as i was shot down by poop pellets from a machine gun bottom.
The good ole days....
Anyway Julia, enjoy, like many people have said, it does go by so quickly. These are precious moments, yep even the poopy ones.
A very well written post, love the humour and wit. Keep the poop, i mean posts coming....
x

Jesi and Joe said...

Wow, what a mess! Thanks for blogging about it... gives me something to look forward to! ;-)

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Yes, the trick with onesies is to roll them up from the bottom until all the poop is "inside" the roll and then you can get them over their heads. I use to have the best onesies, though - they snapped down the front and then there was a flap in the back that snapped around the legs and onto one of the tummy snaps. JCPenney used to carry them. Much easier to get off, because that will certainly happen again.

My husband will never forget the day he glanced back at our first-born nine-month-old in his car seat and wondered to himself, "How did that mustard get around his mouth?"